*Le Sigh*

So here I am....failing at blogging....again. Meh. Maybe I don't blog much because I feel like I'm saying the same things over and over and over and over and, you get the picture. My life is a sad, sad, cycle of blah. Woes me.

Now that the pity party is out of the way, hi, how are you? How ya doing? Entertain me. This is why I need to get out there and make friends. Or at least come up with an imaginary one. I have too much time on my hands!

So what is there to update about me? Nada really. The Gremlin lost his first tooth. That was exciting! He's only five. Now as the tooth-losee I don't recall what age I was, but five seems young too me. But Gremlin's "big boy" tooth was nawt waiting it's turn. It wanted outta the gums and it wanted that right now! Gremlin was very stubborn about the tooth. He didn't want anyone else taking it out. He was going to do it. And he did, after almost three hours of complaining and dramatics. He popped that sucker right out! He was then very anxious about the Tooth Fairy coming to the house. He was wrought with worry that I was going to forget to put it under his pillow (in a sandwich bag) and then he was concerned with how the fairy was going to get in (the window was closed the doors all locked). Then after five minutes of his head laying quietly on his pillow....he sat straight up in bed and yelled, "Mumma, I do NOT think the Tooth Fairy is coming.". Gremlin, it has been FIVE MINUTES and you are STILL AWAKE! Sheesh. But come the Tooth Fairy did, complete with a note, and a dollar bill cleverly folded up as a paper football, tied with a curl ribbon. And boy did he/she leave behind a load of glitter!

So that brings me to the Gremlin Gem for this post- My mother was reading the note from the Tooth Fairy to the Gremlin and she got to the closing at the end which read "Sincerely, The Tooth Fairy". Without missing a beat Gremlin laughed and said "That's an awkward name for the Tooth Fairy!". Lol! This kid kills me! :o)

Done.

‎"...I feel them judging on me for their own pleasure If they really knew they’d know better...I know there’s got to be some peace in me But I can’t find it I get so sick of looking.." "...I can only do so much And of course it’s never enough I don’t think that you see Exactly what you’re doing to me..."

I can't do it anymore. I don't have it in me. When I die, there's going to be nothing left of me. Just some dust. I've been broken so many times, none of the pieces will EVER fit back together.

People always tell you it'll get better. BULLSHIT. It doesn't get better. As soon as you start feeling like it might or you are doing better there will ALWAYS be someone standing right there to knock you back down. And after years and years of trying to get back up....I give. I'm staying down. 

I always told myself that I was an okay person. I could be an addict, I could be an alcoholic, I could be a thief, I could be a liar, I could be a deadbeat parent. Hell, I could do something as simple as smoke cigarettes. But I don't. I tried to stick to the "straight and narrow", keep my "nose clean". What has that ever gotten me? People are STILL judging me, finding a reason to cut me down. What is the point?!

I think I'm broken. I know there are people out there who live awesome lives, who have a career they love, have a home, have family, have friends. So it must be me. I repel people. I just attract bad luck. I don't know what to do anymore. I truly don't want to be me anymore. Me isn't good enough. Me has never been and never will be enough.

But the anxiety and the depression and the hurt over all of this is too much. It's gotten to the point where I keep crying throughout the day. I can't fight it anymore. And it literally takes my breath away it hurts so bad. I can't do it anymore. And I don't know how to fix it. Even when the Gremlin's biological father walked away and before that with all the pain he put me through, it has NEVER hurt this bad. I'm only one person and I can't take it for much longer. 

I'm tired. Tired of being strong for everyone else. Tired of trying to always be so tough. Tired of pretending it doesn't matter. Tired of trying to be the best I can be. Tired of fighting everyday. Tired of defending myself. Tired of feeling guilty. Tired of looking out for everyone else's feelings.

And one last thing- No matter what anyone says it's a fucking bear of a struggle to be a single parent. It is not easy, emotionally, financially, in every single way it is not easy. It's more sacrifice than anyone could imagine. It's a struggle to understand why the other parent didn't want to be there, it's a struggle to be okay with working all the time, it's a struggle to not beat yourself up over all the little things you miss. It's a struggle to be okay with the situation and feel like you are doing okay for your child. IT IS A STRUGGLE. And anyone who wants to say otherwise can kiss my ass. I've lived it, I am still living it. If your parent watches your child more than you do, if you still go out several times a month, if you don't work a full time job, if you are just living off the system- YOU ARE NOT A TRUE SINGLE PARENT. 

Not that it matters. You'll be judged. Oh and guess what? You're not good enough anyways.

An Overall Blah...Blah blah blah!

So it's been an EXTREMELY long time since I've posted here. I apologize. Who I'm apologizing to, I'm not sure. Part of the appeal for this whole blog thing is that I can say what I want, the way I want to say it, and I'm assured the privacy of no one I really know reading it and realizing it's about them. Something you can't do on oh, say, Facebook. Where you post something and you get a bajillion instant comments, messages, texts asking if it's about this person or that person or what you're problem is. It's funny because I am one of the biggest advocates of "IT'S JUST FACEBOOK" and "It's THAT PERSON'S facebook, they can say what they want". And right now, man, Facebook is bumming me out BIG time.

This is my issue- I have a relative whose young son was diagnosed with an illness the day following his first birthday. I felt so incredibly bad for her and what she was going through/going to go through. He is doing better now although they will be fighting this for the next year and a half and all the side effects that come with it. Originally she was staying at a hospital about an hour away. Not a big deal, could DEFINITELY make that drive. Then she stated that children weren't allowed. That put a slight kink in the works. I have a VERY hard time finding someone to watch my son because of family issues. But I was trying. Then one day she posted pictures and a status on Facebook about how her niece had gone there to visit. I was a little taken back. I thought children weren't allowed and I was trying to respect that. She came home from the hospital and had tons of visitors, I didn't want to force my way in nor did I want to overwhelm her. Maybe I should have. I went to the fundraiser they held and saw her there. Contacted her a few times to try and plan a meet up or go up to visit her. She would just ignore that part of our conversation. Now, four months later, we barely talk, she still doesn't acknowledge my requests to see one another, and she has now blocked me on her newsfeed so I don't see what she posts.

What did I do wrong? Come to find out, this same relative apparently also made comments about how I live a life of drama. I'll be the first to admit, that yes in the past my life has held far too much drama for my liking, but I have cut out the most dramatic people and limit my time with the others who are only a part of my life for The Gremlin's sake. I THOUGHT I was doing so much better. I THOUGHT I was being far more responsible. I THOUGHT my life was finally starting to come together. Now I feel like yet again a bunch of the puzzle pieces have gone missing. I'm starting to feel like I'm becoming the scapegoat for some of my family members and that no matter how many steps I take to make my life better, they will never let go of the "old" me and my "old" life.

It's incredibly unfair for me because it puts me in a position of not only feeling bad about myself, I then start feeling like I can't speak up for myself, can't voice my opinion for fear of appearing "dramatic". So what, I'm suppose to just suck it up and deal with it? I've been doing that with my feelings my entire life. It only hurts me more in the end. So what do I do? Where do I go from here? How do I make this situation better so that I can feel better about myself? Am I forever going to be stuck feeling like no matter what I do or how hard I try I simply will not be good enough? That no one will ever see ME for ME?

Every where I turn it's something. In a perfect world, I wouldn't care. It wouldn't bother me. In a perfect world I could pack myself and The Gremlin up and move away from all of this. Start over. In a perfect world I would have accomplished so much more in life that I wouldn't feel so badly about myself. In a perfect world I would be a good person in other people's eyes. But with each passing day it seems there's another person I've disappointed, another person so ready to judge me, another person who feels I'm not good enough. Where do I go from here?

I know I am still a very fortunate person. I have my health, I have The Gremlin who is also healthy, I have found a great love, I have a job, a roof over my head....There are plenty of reasons to be happy about life and to continue working towards bettering it. But no one likes to live their life feeling as if they are never good enough, feeling so incredibly judged. No one. And I tend to think I try my best not to judge people. I certainly don't go on Facebook and think to myself "Wow, that person is just far too in love....That person is far too affectionate....That person is far too whiney/dramatic/jealous/happy/sad/mad/crazy...". It's just Facebook after all...

And Just Like That...It All Falls Down.

Dear God,

I'm sorry. For whatever I did in this life or a past one to deserve all that has come my way. I know that they say "God never gives you more than you can handle". I think I've had enough. In fact, I know I have. And I'm sorry. Sorry that I haven't been good enough. Sorry I haven't tried hard enough. Sorry I haven't given enough. Sorry I haven't been there enough. I know I'm unloveable, yet I still believed. I know I'm not meant for a forever, yet I still hoped for one. I know I'm not meant to touch those dreams, yet I kept dreaming anyway. I'm sorry. It won't happen again. Just please, please leave my heart alone for a while. It's reached it's limit. It can't do this anymore. Take the pieces, whatever is left. It's never going to fit back together again now. So just take it. I don't want it. I get it, I meant for nothing more than a life of let down. Fine. Take my heart, take my hope, take it all. Because I don't want them anymore ever. I don't want to see and feel what I can't have. You only get to live this life once, so please just let me live. That's all I want. Just let me live for a while. Please. I know, I don't deserve to ask for anything. And I shouldn't. But what's the point of living when it's a life of let down? I don't want happiness, love, wealth...any of that. Just let me live. Let me be with my son. And just be. Please?

Sincerely,
Me

One by one...

Ever feel like  your life is just continuously falling apart at your feet? Yeah, me too. It constantly feels like I'm chasing one puzzle piece or another. I can't stand it. It's like all my pieces have opposite polar ends and they are literally propelling themselves away from each other. I've had enough. I am going to flip my shit, it's bound to happen. I have sucked it up and kept my mouth shut for so long. I just want to pack what little matters to me, tuck David under my arm like a football (shut up, I know it's not physically possible but this is my rant and rave, and by God, in my mind he's still tiny!), and get the hell out of here. Leave it all behind. Forget and move on. If only.

Gremlin Gem!

How could I have forgotten Gremlin Gems! They are the whole reason for anyone to ever read this blog!

So it's very clearly been brought to my attention that Gremlin is four going on fourteen. It gets worse and worse everyday. If it isn't the huff and puff accompanied by the eyes so far looking up they might as well roll back into his head, it's the "look". I have no idea where he got the "look", but it's driving me crazy! At least it's an equal opportunity "look" and not just reserved for me. Hey, if I have to suffer I'm making sure others go down with me!

So The Love Interest and I have a fun time teaching the Gremlin to say things that are hysterically to hear coming from a four year old. It started with having him throw his arms out and say "Come at me, bro!" and kind of snowballed from there. The other night in the car TLI (I'm lazy tonight) said to Gremlin "Say 'Like a boss'". Perfectly timed without missing a beat, Gremlin responded with "Really? Think of something cooler.".  This was the look on my face once I stopped laughing my ass off : ^-^ This was the look on TLI's face after Gremlin said it : -.- Clearly I got more enjoyment out of that one.

Today, Gremlin told my mother that he smelled "aromas".....what? Aromas? Really, kid? When she asked him what kind of aromas he responded simply with "Good aromas". Well then.

He's also developed this new habit of responding to any request to get a move on with "Whoa whoa whoa, what's the hurry?". Amongst using the word "ominous" and learning crazy things about Harry Potter. The kid is a sponge he not only soaks everything up but he can remember EVERYTHING. I'm so serious and oh so screwed!

"Love Song"

Yet another Pink song that I take no credit for in any way shape or form. I love love love this song. I have always loved this song. And it might just maybe perhaps put into words what I can't about a certain someone....maybe....

I've never written a love song
That didn't end in tears
Maybe you'll rewrite my love song
If you can replace my fears
I need your patience and guidance
And all your lovin' and more
When thunder rolls through my life
Will you be able to weather the storm?
There's so much I would give ya, baby
If I'd only let myself
There's this well of emotions
I feel I must protect
But what's the point of this armor
If it keeps the love away, too?
I'd rather bleed with cuts of love
Than live without any scars
Baby, can I trust this?
Or do all things end?
I need to hear that you'd die for me
Again and again and again
So tell me when you look in my eyes
Can you share all the pain and happy times
'Cause I will love you for the rest of my life
This is my very first love song
That didn't end in tears
I think you re-wrote my love song
For the rest of my years
I wil love you for the rest of my Life

"Unwind"

"Unwind"

[Verse 1]
I hide my pain like the rest of them
That's why I'm always laughing
I'm troubled, I'm brilliant and miserable too
That's why I am so funny
I swallow down all my fears
With a bottle made of silver
I've only been here for 27 years
But already my life is over

[Chorus 1]
And I need to unwind, yes, and I
I need to unwind, yes, and I
Want all the time
To be loved, to unwind

[Verse 2]
My life is like a fairytale
That nobody believes in
I can't remember anything
Not the people, not the places I've been
Just one more day you can make it, babe
That's what I tell myself
And everything that I love in life
It is killing me, 'cause it's bad for my health

[Chorus 2]
Somebody comfort me
S...southern comfort me
Somebody comfort me
S...southern comfort me

[Chorus 1(3x)]
[Chorus 2(out)]

I take absolutely no credit what so ever for the above song. It's a Pink song. And it's just one of those songs that is sooooooooooooo what I needed right now. It's EXACTLY how I feel right now. I wish I could unwind. I wish I could have a moment to simply breathe. But life just keeps creeping up on me and I can't seem to get a head. I always hated competition.

Rawr, rawr, rawr!

Grump, grump, grump! Yes, that should officially be my name. Hi, my name is Rawr rawr rawr Grump grump grump, get off my lawn! That's just the type of mood I have been in. But really mostly at night. You know when you have nothing important to do or anyone to distract you so you think. And in the words of Winnie the Pooh "Think, think, think.". It's horrendous.

And what pray tell do I think about? Everything and anything that causes me to be disappointed. Disappointed in myself. Disappointed in my life. Let's make that word my middle name because it just keeps cropping up everywhere.

No seriously, I really wonder why when you decide to take a step forward it almost always brings you three steps backwards at some point. What IS that?! I hate it. And it's become the story of my life for as long as well...I don't know, always it seems like. Do I not have enough momentum? Not enough cheer pep and determination? I know I'm short, but man, I shouldn't need to get a running jump to get my life going.

And let me just say while I'm on this mini rampage, who the hell needs friends? Surely not me. I'm a great loner. I've learned that about myself. But it does make me wonder, am I a crappy friend and that's why I seem to have no friends? Is it because I have such a hard time relating to people of or around my own age? Do I just have "Unapproachable" stamped on my forward? It seems to me that I am not worthy of friendship, but I am GREAT for everyone and their mother to unload their lives stories on. Why me? Am I really that broken? I'm talking beyond duct tape and super glue broken. Don't even bother with electrical tape or staple guns. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

Oi, Slacker Should Be...

My middle name. Seriously, man. I suck at this. Which is sad because I had such high hopes for this whole blogging shenanigans. I s'pose it's not all that sad. There is still time. There's always time. Except when you need it. Or want it. Then there's no time to be found. But I digress...What else is new? I would like to point out that not only did I use the term "digress" properly, I also spelled it correctly. YES! This is the sad life I live where that makes me happy and proud of myself. It's the little things, right?

Has anyone else ever noticed that as soon as you decide to start moving on the goals you want to achieve 800 bajillion obstacles spring up in your way? Is it just me that this happens to? It's obnoxious either way. My life was populated with enough obstacles to begin with, I don't need any extra. I promise I've gotten my fair share.

You know what else I've gotten enough of? Judgment. What is with people? And judging? Like really? Judge me for how I look. Judge me for being a single mom. Judge me for working full time while being a single mom. Judge me for not being through college yet WHILE being a single mom WHILE working full time. Judge, Judge, JUDGE JUDGE JUDGE! Enough already! It's ridiculous. What happened to "don't judge a book by it's cover" or "walk a mile in another person's shoes"? Granted, that last one is a little risky in the sanitation department, but still. It's getting out of control.

And I do realize that sometimes people pass judgment without really realizing they are doing it. Or they make you feel less than you are without meaning to. For example, Gremlin's great aunt on his father's side (complicated much?) saw him for the first time in two years or so yesterday. She was asking questions and commenting on him and happened to ask me about working which then sparked a question about school. I felt about as big as a ladybug after that conversation.

I would have given just about anything to have been able to be home with Gremlin while he was growing up. ANYTHING. I don't enjoy the moments when he calls me Grammy or my mother Mommy by accident. That hurts my heart in a place I didn't even know existed. When I miss ANYTHING he does or says I feel like scum.

And in the same sense, I would have given just about anything to be able to have completed college by now. To not have to keep myself up until all hours to finish an assignment I've had to restart three times because I'm so tired I can't remember the paragraph I JUST read.

And before someone jumps on the bandwagon, I realize my decisions have led me to where I am. That the way my life is right now is a direct result of my own behavior and actions. But don't you think that's enough punishment? I make myself guilty enough on a regular basis to last several lifetimes. I don't need complete or even not complete strangers tossing in their two cents. Just saying.

I want to move forward in life. Granted, I know I'm more forward (so to speak) than I was 6 months to a yr ago. I know I've changed, progressed in an overall positive manner (we all have our moments!). But I want to actually feel like this progression is heading towards an overall achievment. Something important, major, exciting. Something I can feel super great about. Like oh say graduating college. Or finding a home. Or let's say a job that's worth the time that I spend away from Gremlin.

That would rock my socks.

Now What?

I'm at a loss. What do  you do when you want nothing more than to please those around you, but not at the cost of your own happiness? What then? What if what makes you happy, is what's causing nothing but disappointment?

Family is extremely important to me. But they are who are bringing me down. And it's miserable. I want nothing but the best for them, nothing more than happiness, and love. Why do they not want the same for me?

I want nothing out of this life more than a family, love, and a home. That's what I have wanted for a long, long time. It seems each year it slips further out of my grasp.

I'm tired. Tired of being treated this way. Tired of trying so hard. Tired of being there for everyone else. Tired of making sure everyone else is ok and ignoring myself. Tired.

And I despise myself for feeling this way. Because I do have a LOT of great things going for me. A full time job, a roof over my head, a very healthy great son. I feel selfish for being so stressed over this.

Where, oh where, do you find the balance???

Moved On.

Nothing to say.

Nothing to feel. 

Nothing to believe in.

You have left nothing.

Nothing to dream. 

Nothing to remember.

Nothing to cherish.

You have done nothing.

No love.

No hope.

No desire.

No memories.

No laughter.

No smiles.

You were nothing.

Except a waste of time.

Except spent energy.

Except hurt.

Except tears.

Except trouble.

Except anger.

Except abuse.

You will not be missed.

You are gone.

You are forgotten.

You are unnecessary.

You are dismissed.

We do not need you.

We will be fine.

We will be loved.

We will be happy.

We will be complete.

We have found it all.

We have trust.

We have family.

We have home.

We have it all.

And you...

You are the one who has missed out.

You never were.

It almost feels good. That it seems to be over. There will be anger. Always. How do you walk away from a child? Who has never done you wrong. Who didn't ask to be brought into this world. Who gave you nothing, nothing but unconditional love. But it's better this way. It was an endless cycle with nothing getting accomplished. No purpose, no reason. And we're moving on. So in the end, it feels more good than anything. I'll keep telling myself that I tried. I gave my all. It's not my fault. It'll get easier with each passing day. And we have the people we need. We'll be a family (hopefully sooner rather than later....just saying....) and have a home. Just need to be more positive about it. Less anger. I tried.

Long Time No See

I haven't blogged in....forever. I just haven't had the ambition, haven't had the words, haven't had the drive. I don't know where it all went. Don't know how it just up and disappears. But it did. Kind of made me sad. Writing was kind of my "thing". It's what I did. It's what I was known for. And it left me. I feel like that happens to me a lot. Be it my ability to write, draw, people, friends, places. They leave.

So anyway, here I am. Blogging. I don't know what I'm intending to say. Don't know where I'm going with anything. Don't know if it's going to be serious, funny, thoughtful, or just a bunch of word vomit. But I'm blogging.

I feel like I have way too much on my mind lately. I've gotten to that point in my life again where I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything. I'm just hanging out, drifting through life, no intent or purpose. Just being. And I don't like that. I know I have the Gremlin. He's my main purpose. But as a person, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not making anything of myself. And I am totally not okay with that. I want to get through college. I want a job I can get into. I want to be working towards my own home. There's so much I want that I feel like I kind of forgot I wanted.

And I'm really over people.  I'm over trying to make things work with people that at the end of the day aren't all that worth it. I'm pretty done with giving second, third, fourth chances and being understanding. Pretty sick of always being the bigger person about everything. I've always watched what I said, watched what I did, didn't want to offend anyone. But I was putting my own feelings on the back burner and I can't do that anymore. It's not getting me anywhere, not accomplishing anything. I need to start looking out for myself so I don't have to leave day in and day out feeling as if I don't matter to so many people. I just want to have trustworthy friends again. No more lies, no more drama. I'm over it.

I finally feel complete. I am in love. I am so happy with The Boyfriend. I can see my future with him. And I feel that it's definitely time for me to move on from certain situations and people and focus on that future. I want a family, I want a home, and I want to surround myself with people who have some of the same values that I feel I have. I want to instill only the best in my life so that when obstacles come up, times get hard, I'll know I'll have the support system I need and the ability to handle it a little better than I think I could now. It hurt that when my father was going through such a rough time I didn't have that person to call to vent to. I don't think I can forget that. I've always felt a certain amount of alone in life, but I think that's what has made me see and know what is important to me, what I will put up with, and what I most definitely won't. I've come really far in the last four years and I don't want this period of uncertainty and doubt be a downfall. I don't want it to keep me from continuing to progress.

Gremlin Gem Update: So I don't have persay a Gremlin Gem that's typical, but I figured I'd throw some stuff about him out there. He has continued to amaze me in how smart and creative he is. But man, I wish I knew where he got some of the things he says! He's going through a phase right now where he's obsessed with "science kits". Meaning test tubs, goggles, beakers, etc. The other day he told my mother that after he finished his lab he needed to write up his "hyfofesis" and that everyones "hyfofesises" are different. Really? REALLY?!