Done.

‎"...I feel them judging on me for their own pleasure If they really knew they’d know better...I know there’s got to be some peace in me But I can’t find it I get so sick of looking.." "...I can only do so much And of course it’s never enough I don’t think that you see Exactly what you’re doing to me..."

I can't do it anymore. I don't have it in me. When I die, there's going to be nothing left of me. Just some dust. I've been broken so many times, none of the pieces will EVER fit back together.

People always tell you it'll get better. BULLSHIT. It doesn't get better. As soon as you start feeling like it might or you are doing better there will ALWAYS be someone standing right there to knock you back down. And after years and years of trying to get back up....I give. I'm staying down. 

I always told myself that I was an okay person. I could be an addict, I could be an alcoholic, I could be a thief, I could be a liar, I could be a deadbeat parent. Hell, I could do something as simple as smoke cigarettes. But I don't. I tried to stick to the "straight and narrow", keep my "nose clean". What has that ever gotten me? People are STILL judging me, finding a reason to cut me down. What is the point?!

I think I'm broken. I know there are people out there who live awesome lives, who have a career they love, have a home, have family, have friends. So it must be me. I repel people. I just attract bad luck. I don't know what to do anymore. I truly don't want to be me anymore. Me isn't good enough. Me has never been and never will be enough.

But the anxiety and the depression and the hurt over all of this is too much. It's gotten to the point where I keep crying throughout the day. I can't fight it anymore. And it literally takes my breath away it hurts so bad. I can't do it anymore. And I don't know how to fix it. Even when the Gremlin's biological father walked away and before that with all the pain he put me through, it has NEVER hurt this bad. I'm only one person and I can't take it for much longer. 

I'm tired. Tired of being strong for everyone else. Tired of trying to always be so tough. Tired of pretending it doesn't matter. Tired of trying to be the best I can be. Tired of fighting everyday. Tired of defending myself. Tired of feeling guilty. Tired of looking out for everyone else's feelings.

And one last thing- No matter what anyone says it's a fucking bear of a struggle to be a single parent. It is not easy, emotionally, financially, in every single way it is not easy. It's more sacrifice than anyone could imagine. It's a struggle to understand why the other parent didn't want to be there, it's a struggle to be okay with working all the time, it's a struggle to not beat yourself up over all the little things you miss. It's a struggle to be okay with the situation and feel like you are doing okay for your child. IT IS A STRUGGLE. And anyone who wants to say otherwise can kiss my ass. I've lived it, I am still living it. If your parent watches your child more than you do, if you still go out several times a month, if you don't work a full time job, if you are just living off the system- YOU ARE NOT A TRUE SINGLE PARENT. 

Not that it matters. You'll be judged. Oh and guess what? You're not good enough anyways.