So it's been an EXTREMELY long time since I've posted here. I apologize. Who I'm apologizing to, I'm not sure. Part of the appeal for this whole blog thing is that I can say what I want, the way I want to say it, and I'm assured the privacy of no one I really know reading it and realizing it's about them. Something you can't do on oh, say, Facebook. Where you post something and you get a bajillion instant comments, messages, texts asking if it's about this person or that person or what you're problem is. It's funny because I am one of the biggest advocates of "IT'S JUST FACEBOOK" and "It's THAT PERSON'S facebook, they can say what they want". And right now, man, Facebook is bumming me out BIG time.
This is my issue- I have a relative whose young son was diagnosed with an illness the day following his first birthday. I felt so incredibly bad for her and what she was going through/going to go through. He is doing better now although they will be fighting this for the next year and a half and all the side effects that come with it. Originally she was staying at a hospital about an hour away. Not a big deal, could DEFINITELY make that drive. Then she stated that children weren't allowed. That put a slight kink in the works. I have a VERY hard time finding someone to watch my son because of family issues. But I was trying. Then one day she posted pictures and a status on Facebook about how her niece had gone there to visit. I was a little taken back. I thought children weren't allowed and I was trying to respect that. She came home from the hospital and had tons of visitors, I didn't want to force my way in nor did I want to overwhelm her. Maybe I should have. I went to the fundraiser they held and saw her there. Contacted her a few times to try and plan a meet up or go up to visit her. She would just ignore that part of our conversation. Now, four months later, we barely talk, she still doesn't acknowledge my requests to see one another, and she has now blocked me on her newsfeed so I don't see what she posts.
What did I do wrong? Come to find out, this same relative apparently also made comments about how I live a life of drama. I'll be the first to admit, that yes in the past my life has held far too much drama for my liking, but I have cut out the most dramatic people and limit my time with the others who are only a part of my life for The Gremlin's sake. I THOUGHT I was doing so much better. I THOUGHT I was being far more responsible. I THOUGHT my life was finally starting to come together. Now I feel like yet again a bunch of the puzzle pieces have gone missing. I'm starting to feel like I'm becoming the scapegoat for some of my family members and that no matter how many steps I take to make my life better, they will never let go of the "old" me and my "old" life.
It's incredibly unfair for me because it puts me in a position of not only feeling bad about myself, I then start feeling like I can't speak up for myself, can't voice my opinion for fear of appearing "dramatic". So what, I'm suppose to just suck it up and deal with it? I've been doing that with my feelings my entire life. It only hurts me more in the end. So what do I do? Where do I go from here? How do I make this situation better so that I can feel better about myself? Am I forever going to be stuck feeling like no matter what I do or how hard I try I simply will not be good enough? That no one will ever see ME for ME?
Every where I turn it's something. In a perfect world, I wouldn't care. It wouldn't bother me. In a perfect world I could pack myself and The Gremlin up and move away from all of this. Start over. In a perfect world I would have accomplished so much more in life that I wouldn't feel so badly about myself. In a perfect world I would be a good person in other people's eyes. But with each passing day it seems there's another person I've disappointed, another person so ready to judge me, another person who feels I'm not good enough. Where do I go from here?
I know I am still a very fortunate person. I have my health, I have The Gremlin who is also healthy, I have found a great love, I have a job, a roof over my head....There are plenty of reasons to be happy about life and to continue working towards bettering it. But no one likes to live their life feeling as if they are never good enough, feeling so incredibly judged. No one. And I tend to think I try my best not to judge people. I certainly don't go on Facebook and think to myself "Wow, that person is just far too in love....That person is far too affectionate....That person is far too whiney/dramatic/jealous/happy/sad/mad/crazy...". It's just Facebook after all...
No comments:
Post a Comment