I SWEAR I will get back to my long winded tale of the three years DB was a part of The Gremlin's life...at some point. Right now though I'm going to jump ahead because it's my blog and I can do that. Also I'm having a rough time trying to figure out my place and what my role is else where and I need to vent it out. Hardcore. Before steam starts shooting out of my ears (no more ear problems!).
In removing DB from our lives I made the decision to allow his mother and his younger sister (and father and twin brother) to still see The Gremlin. They did nothing wrong, they saw him on a consistent basis, and it was clear that they really loved him. Now at the time DB's sister was pregnant but had not had her daughter yet. Yes, there was a nagging fear in the back of my mind that things would irreparably change once she was born and that Gremlin and I would be "old hat". But I wasn't about to voice those fears to them. I mean really, discuss this with one very pregnant chick and Gremlin's nana?! Wasn't possible at the time. Besides they were family to me and Gremlin and I was convinced then that everything would be ok.
Fast forward now to today and boy, I was wrong. I was beyond wrong. We're talking an epic amount of wrong. First of all we've been meeting at a mall. Because they are afraid of their son coming to their house. So we sit at a table, them on one side, us on the other. Similar to a prison visit without the glass partition and the phone. For anywhere from an hour to three hours. Once a week. That is no way for a child to visit with "family". I say "family" because we don't really hear from them until I text them the day of our visit and ask if we're still meeting. Third, it hasn't been all too consistent. It all started last year, the day after Gremlin's birthday. We met them for our "usual" meeting and I could already tell something was wrong. They brought along Gremlin's Uncle. He never sees his uncle. And everyone just had that look on their face like they were dreading what was about to happen. I was on edge the whole time. Then they made the mistake of bringing out this huge gift bag and telling me it was from DB and do I want the Gremlin to have it. Are you serious? You're going to SHOW him this huge gift bag and then ask me if I want him to have it so I can look like the a**hole when I say no? They gave David the gift and me the card. The card was written out and signed by DB's girlfriend in his name. I ripped it in half and threw it away. Petty, maybe, but damn it sure felt good. I remember I had to walk away for a moment so my best friend sat with Gremlin and the "family" while I took a moment to myself. I came back and DB's sister's boyfriend (that's not confusing or anything) took Gremlin down to the little play place and as I watched them walk away I knew whatever it was that they had been dreading was finally here. The night before, on Gremlin's actual birthday, DB came to their home with his girlfriend...and an ultrasound picture. To me that says "I am officially replacing my son with a new child, be excited for me.". I melted down. I walked outside, got in my car, and bawled my eyes out. Not because I thought there was a chance for me and DB, but I cried my heart out for my son. My son who did NOT deserve a single second of the bullsh*t DB put us through. My son who did NOT deserve to grow up without his father. My son who did NOT deserve to be treated like a play toy that's easy to replace. I gathered myself enough to walk back inside straight by the table where everyone still sat, down to the play place. The Aunt's Boyfriend knew and just handed Gremlin to me and I turned around and walked right back out of the mall to my car. Thankfully my best friend was with me to grab everything I had left behind and meet me outside. And we drove away. They didn't come to Gremlin's party that year. I didn't extend an invitation. I was broken in so many ways and I didn't even really have it in me to have a party. There was fighting amongst my family and then this with their family. But I did it for Gremlin and the day of his party I got worlds of nasty text messages from his Aunt. Attacking me for me as a person, attacking my "relationship" with Gremlin's father, attacking me for having a party for my son. I was done. I was beyond done. And we did not speak for probably a good two months. The dust settled and I wrote them a very long letter explaining my side of the story. They contacted me and thanked me for being the one to reach out and try to fix things. I made a surprise visit with The Gremlin to their house on Halloween. Things seemed right for awhile. We aren't invited to holidays anymore, DB is there. We aren't invited to birthday parties, DB is there. We are not invited to anything they go to or do, DB is there. We get cancelled on because DB demands their attention for something or other. We get cancelled on even though they pick the day and time we were suppose to meet.
I love them, I considered them family, they were my safe haven when my family didn't agree with the decision I had made. But my situation in this crazy mess is a tough one. I always feel like the outsider. Like I don't really belong there and I'm just being tolerated. I feel like I've been replaced and my son has been replaced. I feel like I'm holding on to something that I don't really have the right to. I feel like I'm holding onto something that's long gone. Something where only the very tips of my fingers are touching. It's hard to trust them. It's hard to listen to what they have to say. They tell me they don't like DB's girlfriend, but facebook (stupid stupid facebook) says the complete opposite. I feel like I'm being lied to. So how do I cut myself off from them? How do I make that decision to walk away from the only members of that family that the Gremlin has left? How does this always end up being my decision to make? How do I explain to Gremlin that there's nothing wrong with him, that it was them, it was the situation? How do I keep his little heart from breaking when he's a little bit older and has questions? How do I get through this?
I know I can do it. I know I'm strong enough. But my heart just recovered from DB walking away and replacing us or what felt like replacing us. And to be honest, I was a lot closer to his mom and sister. I never wanted to have to explain to Gremlin something like this. I never want him to ever feel like he wasn't good enough. Because it's not his fault in any way shape or form. It was a bad situation. It was a "parent" who wasn't ready to be one, who wasn't mature enough to be one, who couldn't be responsible enough. And it was a series of events stemming from his inability to step up and be a father that caused everything else to fall apart.
And how do you not get angry over it? How do you accept the fact that an entire family can do this to a child? Any child, not just because he's mine. I'll never understand it. Any thoughts? Ideas? Anything? How? How? How?!
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