Like a River

"I'm Moving On"
  by Rascal Flatts
"I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on"

Thank you Rascal Flatts for having the words I needed to hear! I've always ALWAYS loved that song. It's probably my favorite one of theirs. But last night it took on a whole new meaning. And I cried, boy did I cry! (Bet you understand the "Like a River" headline now, I'm witty, I know.) It was what I needed to hear at that time to know in my heart what my mind was refusing to accept. I'm Finnish, we're stubborn like that. The line "life has been patiently waiting for me..." caught me in particular. I've been so caught up in trying to make present situations work that I've forgotten how to look forward to the future, how to appreciate each day that I am given, and how to let go of the past. It's not going to be easy, in fact it's going to be an absolute bear to get through, but I can do this. I can stand up for myself and I can say enough (using my big girl voice and everything!). And this is exactly why I love music. It says what you need to hear when you don't even know you needed to hear anything at all. So yay for one positive blog admist a sea of woes. It's tough revisiting old wounds. It's especially hard for me to write everything out all the emotions I felt and all the awful things I went through and then going back and reading what I wrote. I almost want to stop and go "Whoa, that was me?". I know I've lived it and I know I've dissected every part of it with my best friend when it was happening. But to see it all written out? It's a little overwhelming. I hope that being able to get it out and see it on "paper" will allow me to really move on. To heal when I haven't been able. To maybe find a piece of the old content me and drag it back to today. We'll see what happens, I s'pose.

And now *drumroll* what you have all been REALLY waiting for, some brand new just for you (that's bs but I thought I'd try to make you feel special, you're welcome. They were really for me.) Gremlin Gems!

So Gremlin and I have a nightly routine of brushing our teeth together. He has one of those fun little sand hourglass things you get from the dentist when you're under the age of probably 6. So we (me) get the toothbrushes ready and we countdown (3,2,1...GO!) flip the hourglass and start brushing. This is followed by rinsing (me with mouthwash, him with water but shhh don't tell him it's only water) and spitting (clearly his favorite part), and then I floss his teeth with his neon dinosaur shaped flossers. Two nights ago I finished brushing his teeth and Gremlin started smiling, no, full out GRINNING and almost laughing a little. I smiled at him because it was so contagious and asked what he was so happy about. He said "You flossed my teeth, sanks (the "th" sound is a work in progress) mumma, you're the best!" with so much enthusiasm it was ridiculous! I just wanted to hug the stuffing out of the kid! (Note to self: GIANT box of dinosaur flossers for the Gremlin for Christmas. Apparently that's the way to his heart. Who knew?)

The next morning the Gremlin promptly forgot how awesome I am. I was taking off his pjs and his head got stuck (by the way, when did my kid get such a freakishly big head?! Does this happen with age? Will it go back to normal? Do I have to buy him bigger shirts just to make sure his giant noggin doesn't get caught every time?!?!) and I had to do a bit of finagling to get his squash out with his ears still attached. Gremlin promptly grabbed either side of his head, rubbing his ears furiously, looked at me, and exclaimed "What is wrong with you?!". Listen kid, you didn't get the giant melon from me.

The Gremlin has this new "talent" he's been perfecting. He leans on the foot stool on one side and the couch on the other and swings. He thinks this is the greatest trick ever. But the footstool is on wheels (it's more like a cushioned trunk for lack of a better description) and starts to scoot away from him. Which causes him to collapse the whole six inches to the floor. He ALWAYS hams it up and lately his new "thing" is to say "The couch gave me the slip again!". Hysterical.

And last (but definitely not least), Gremlin will collide with something or pretend he crashed into something, then he'll flop face down no matter where he is, and say in his best wounded voice "Oh, I think I broke my spleeter." Don't ask me what a spleeter is. As far as I can tell it's located somewhere in his knee. Although he always grabs for his stomach or side before he falls down. Oh the dramatics, they start early in my family.