Diamonds in the Rough

Here are a couple of real gems The Gremlin has thrown out there in the last few months. It's pretty hysterical hearing what goes through his little mind these days, even if some of it makes me go "What the h*ll....". Commence laughing-

The Gremlin's adopted aunt/daddy recently bribed him into good behavior with his first pair of over the sneakers roller skates. Super cool ones too, they look like Hot Wheels cars! Came with knee pads and elbow pads and upon donning them inside the house The Gremlin took off like he created the damn roller derby himself! He was in the living to the kitchen and back with no problems. The kid threw balls backwards for the first two and a half years of his life but he can roller skate like nobody's business! In the house that is. Once his little wheeled feet hit the outdoors his legs could no longer coordinate themselves like they did inside the house. He was all over the place. The last time he fell he gave up. He sat for thirty seconds before flopping backwards, sticking his roller skate covered feet in the air, and proclaiming "Tripping and failing are not for me. Take them off!".

The Gremlin's actual blood related Aunt, my sister, whom he fondly refers to as "Rah-rah" (real name is Sarah) has Wednesdays off and in times of need she will take The Gremlin for the day. On one such occasion, Rah-rah picked him up at my work leaving her black car with black interior parked outside with all the windows up. While Rah-rah was getting situated to leave, The Gremlin piped up from the backseat with "Rah-rah, it's so FLICKERING hot in here!".

Another occasion, Rah-rah and Uncle An-ton-ee (her husband, Anthony, whose name The Gremlin pronounces differently almost every time) were watching The Gremlin while I was out and he proclaimed "I want to be a lifeguard when I grow up." Rah-rah knowing The Gremlin's deep despise of water (hence The Gremlin) explained that lifeguards have to swim. The Gremlin quickly changed his mind, but of course acted as if Rah-rah misheard him by saying "I don't want to be a lifeguard, I want to be a soldier!". Silly Rah-rah, maybe you should look into a hearing aid. She said a good hour later, out of nowhere, The Gremlin stated "I am just a soldier looking for my birthday".

The Gremlin has a love for castles, dragons, knights, and catapults. At one of the local public libraries there is a GIANT stuffed bunny basically the size of The Gremlin that he felt the need to drag across the library and sit in a small chair at a table. Once situated (and both his floppy bunny ears were out of the bunny's face which took a lot of standing on tippy toes to accomplish) The Gremlin proceeded to read the bunny a story. About a knight. In charming armor. Regularly you can hear The Gremlin referring to himself as a Knight in Charming Armor or a Knight in Sharming Armor. So stinking cute!

The Gremlin and I recently went to visit my cousin and her flipping adorable month old son. She also has two yorkies who have an over abundance of toys. The Gremlin decided it would be a FANTASTIC idea to take each and every one out of the basket and line them up on the floor. Each time he pulled out a new toy he would look at my cousin and say "What's this?" to which she would reply "A dog toy"...this happened at least ten times. He pulled yet another squeaky object out of the basket, asked the same question, got the same answer, but then replied with "Doesn't surprise me." This was followed up by "That was so unnecessary" when something not to his liking happened.

My sister lives in a condominium community (I don't even know if that's what I'm suppose to call it....but village sounds so damn snooty!) where they have an inground pool. While his aunt and I were swimming, The Gremlin was crawling back and forth across the first step into the pool...his version of "swimming". My sister swam up and bumped into him to which he replied, "Why hello, lady boat!".

While on this same pool exscursion, The Gremlin was throwing his water wings into the pool calling them boats. My sister snagged one in an attempt to bribe him into actually setting foot in the pool with us as opposed to wallowing on the first step. After much distressed flapping of his little arms, my sister told The Gremlin he had to ask nicely to get his "boat" back. He exclaimed "Please! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! That's all the words I have!", as if his saying please too many times would mean he could never say it again. Gotta watch your please quota for the day, wouldn't want to run out....wait, can I use this theory at work?!....Please?

While at Wendy's one afternoon, The Gremlin was thoroughly enjoying his cheeseburger and apple slices, I was trying to maintain faith that the grilled chicken thing I had ordered would be so much better than the delicious looking cheeseburger on the menu when he suddenly said "MOMMA. It is so freezy in here *this is where he wrapped his little arms around himself and shook almost falling off his chair to emphasize the cold factor", I should have gotten a warm winter jacket. Yup, I'll have to get one." and then happily went back to trying to suck an apple slice up through his straw. Sometimes he's like a 70 yr old man trapped in an almost 4 yr old's body. P.s. Gremlin, it's 90 degrees with a humidity so high it's like walking into a brick wall when you go outside. Don't talk about winter coats, I could pass out from the thought of it.

Just the other morning while I was attempting to do...something I can't remember now, it occurred to me that David was trying to tell me something. "Momma, momma, look someone ripped this map!" (it was in fact the little booklet thing from inside a dvd), "Oh yeah? Would this someone's name be The Gremlin?". He had this look like "oh, crap, I forgot I did it" and came back with "Maybe it was those kids...who rip things! Yeah!". That's it mister, no more hooligan imaginary friends for you!

And last, even though this was from a year ago, this clearly shows how much this kid is truly loved. We go to a Fourth of July parade every year. We sit in the same place every year. We have been doing this since...well, for as long as I can remember. Last year, we were sitting in our designated spot, my dad, my younger brother, myself, The Gremlin, and Rah-rah. It's one of those parades where some unfortunate people volunteer to drag the shopping carts full of useless crap up and down the parade route. A guy with a cooler walked past us with a sign that read "Sno-Cones" and how ever much they were. The Gremlin has NO idea what a sno-cone is at the time, but once he heard the words he was so excited he could barely contain himself. By the time my sister and I had finished debating whether or not it was a good idea to purchase a drink/food item from a guy with a cooler, he had long walked passed us. Poor Little Gremlin slumped back into his Spongebob folding chair, looked at Rah-rah with the saddest puppy dog eyes he could give, and quietly said "Now I will never get to have a sno-cone." This was simply too much for Rah-rah who practically leapt from her chair exclaiming "Not on my watch!" and took off after sketchy man selling sketchy sno-cones. The Gremlin got his sno-cone and complained for the rest of the day how much it made his head and teeth freezy.

This kiddo never stops making me laugh, and he has been doing since the day he was born. Although, I must say, the ultimate thing he said (which was actually him repeating something his other aunt told him to say) was when he was around two and he needed his grandfather to move off the couch so his diaper could be changed. He marched his little two year old self right in there and said "Move, trash bag!". Not funny, but damn funny all at once.