I guess I should finish up the blog I started about my adventure with my son. And I also guess that this is the part where I need to be serious. I don't like being serious, not unless I need to be. I love the humor, the sarcasm, the smiles, and the laughter of life. I love expressing it in as many ways as I can. However, unfortunately, this part of the tale is more serious than I would have liked it to be. Having a child, bringing a life into this world, is supposed to be joyous and an amazing time in your life. Entering parenthood. Sure there's the rough nights and the fears of whether you are adequate enough to be the parent you need, want to be. But being a parent isn't supposed to be a mess. It's not supposed to be hurt and anger. It's not supposed to be resentment. Supposed to be or not, a large portion of my time was. And this is that half of the blog....
My son's father, whom we shall call the DB (feel free to guess what that stands for), had a child before The Gremlin. A daughter who was I believe around the age of three maybe four when I had my son. He and I had a tumultuous relationship from day one and I will always believe I was more invested in it than he was. But one of the things that drew me to him was that he did have a heart of gold and the love I thought he had for his daughter, whom he did not see by choice of her mother, blew me away. Of course, I understand there are always two sides to every story and boy do I get that now. But anyway, we had a rocky relationship and were on and off for over a year. At the time that I had The Gremlin we were off again.
I clearly did not know I was having my son so after the dust had settled and me and The Gremlin were back at home, I had a lot to think about. And think I did. 24/7. Every moment of every day. It didn't help that when I got out of the hospital and turned my cell phone on I had one voicemail, from DB. What was I going to do? How would I even tell anyone? Who would believe this? Was I going to tell him? What would he think? What would his family think? I spent many late nights up watching The Gremlin sleep thinking what the hell am I going to do? I did this for two weeks.
And twice during those two weeks DB called me. Tried to convince me to go out for drinks with him. Talked about how depressed he was with his life, how he had this job where he was on the road all the time. I listened. I declined going out for drinks, I told him my responsibilities had changed. I listened some more. How was I suppose to tell him that we had an amazing, beautiful, miracle little boy when all he could talk about was how depressed and unhappy he was? I couldn't. But at the same time it was killing me to keep it in, to talk to him while looking at our son asleep making those cute sleeping baby noises.
Then finally it got to be too much. I knew I needed to tell him because I felt it was right in my heart to let him know. And at this point my doctors had convinced me I would never have another child, so what if this wonderful son I had grew up and resented me because I never told his father? I couldn't stand the thought of that. So the next time he called, I told him. I mentioned how I told him two weeks ago that I hadn't answered his phone call because I was in the hospital...how I literally meant that I had been in the hospital. And the rest of the story just kind of spilled out. I held my breath waiting for him to respond, not knowing which way it was going to go. Then he asked if I was ok, if the baby was ok. I told him it was a boy that he was fine and gorgeous. He cried. I cried. He wanted to see us as soon as possible.
I explained to him my thoughts on the situation. That I did not want money, from day one I always said I do NOT want any money. I understood that by no means did this mean we were going to be a family. It did not mean we were going to magically become some fairy tale story. I explained to DB that there was ONE thing I wanted from him- to see The Gremlin on a consistent basis. No in and out of his life. He was either in or out. That was the one thing I required if he was going to become involved with The Gremlin. And at the time he agreed to that. We talked for a while. At one point he hung up to compose himself and I called my best friend. He called back. We talked some more. When we hung up I felt like a HUGE weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It was out there, I had told him, I no longer had to fight with myself over it. I picked up The Gremlin and cuddled him for a while.
The next day or maybe the day after that DB called and asked if we could meet somewhere. I agreed knowing sooner or later it would happen. I called my best friend and chewed her ear off worrying about meeting with him and his mother. What if they didn't believe me? What if they didn't think Gremlin looked like him? What if they ganged up on me? My best friend asked if I wanted to reschedule, if I wanted her to go with me. I thought about it, but declined. It would have been nice to have someone on my side, but I knew I had to be a "big girl" and do this on my own. So I packed up The Gremlin and took one of our first trips out just the two of us to go meet DB and his Nana for the first time.
We met at a local 99 restaurant, one that I can no longer set foot in or drive past without getting flashbacks. I can literally feel the butterflies in my stomach just like I did that night. I parked in the back of the building. Got out and sat in the backseat next to The Gremlin. I just stared at him for awhile soaking in the last few moments of alone time. Then I saw DB approach. I opened the back door. I couldn't even look at him. I just looked at Gremlin while he looked at Gremlin. At some point I got out of the car and carried him inside. We sat down at a table. I took Gremlin out of his carseat and cuddled him. I remember being able to look at DB's mother but I had the hardest time looking at him. I'm sure I recounted the entire story to them. Everyone stared at Gremlin. At some point DB worked up the courage to hold him. I won't lie, my heart was overcome at that moment. I can't remember the whole night. I don't remember if DB's mother and I hugged or not. I remember that I got back in the car with The Gremlin and DB got in with us. We drove around talking. I don't remember what was said. I don't even know if I had looked him in the eye yet. At some point I think I dropped him back off with his mother and I went home. The Gremlin and I went home.
Wow, this is a lengthy story. Longer than two blogs I think. I have definitely exhausted myself for one evening. But there's the second installment. I worried over it, finally told DB, and even met up with him...and his mother. It was a relief in a lot of ways, but in some ways not so much. My mother had been quite clear with me, she would not support my decision if I told DB and his family. But it was my decision and my decision only. I had to do what was right for my son and what was right in my heart. And I did. The stress of not telling my family what I had decided was enough to keep me up nights, but it was done. I couldn't take it back. I could only wait and see where it went from there. I had hope. Man, I had hope. I think it was that hope and my love for my son that would get me through the next three years....
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