People always say "Someday". Your life is a mess? Nothing is going right? You're hurting? Shit sucks? Just remember "someday". "Someday" it will get better. "Someday" you will get your turn. "Someday" things will start looking up. Just keep waiting on "Someday". For such a small word, it holds an awful lot of meaning.
It's been the word that has ruled my life for I don't even know how many years. No matter how bad things got, I always held on to "someday". I believed in it. I know that the concept of "Someday" was the only thing that got me through a lot of the time. I wanted to give in. More often than once. I just wanted it to be over. No more pain. No more hurt. No more loss. I couldn't deal with yet another person walking away. I didn't want to keep living each day feeling like I wasn't worth it. I knew, I still know, that I'm broken. I'm a broken person. I probably always will be. No one can fix it. No one can take back the past. Hell, I wouldn't even take it back. Looking back on it now, yeah it's crazy to know what I've lived through, but it's what made me who I am. Tough people are made because no one was there to wipe away their tears. But I didn't think I was strong enough a lot of the time to make it through the next day, the next hurt, the next disaster.
But I would think of "Someday". I would think about finding that love I'd been searching so long for. I thought about getting married. Sharing that day with someone. I thought of a house that actually felt like home, where I could feel safe, and complete. I thought about having kids. I thought about it all. All the goals I wanted to reach. To find that "Someday" to finally put my soul at ease.
The only thing I've learned about "Someday" that I didn't understand before is that when you finally think that maybe, just maybe, you could have found it.....feeling like you're about to lose it is just about the worst feeling in the world.
I don't want to lose my "Someday". And I don't want to live out my "Someday" with someone else.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
Don't Judge Me!
Yeah, yeah, I have a blog and I neglect it just like everyone else! And I guarantee it will happen more than once after this. So don't judge!
Things have been insanely hectic. My dad has been in a rehab center getting physical and occupational therapy for the past almost three weeks. Yes, he is closer to home, which is nice. However, this also means I spend an abundant amount of time there so nothing here is getting done. Nothing. At all.
I've also been completing training at my new job. Boy, has that been fun! It's like high school all over again, I swear. I just keep telling myself "You're here to work. You're here for the job. You need to make money. Do NOT strangle anyone!". That last part is a joke....or is it?...
So I haven't gotten to do anything. Everything is piling up. Laundry, cleaning, blogging. There is no time in the day for anything. And to top it off, The Gremlin has apparently decided to make up for the fact that he was never a terrible two or three by being a god awful four. Fun times are being had by all.
Speaking of The Gremlin, here are some recent gems:
It seems that my son has developed all kinds of new quirks while I've been diligently learning my new job. For example, when something doesn't go his way, or if someone drops something, or if something on tv happens he now goes "waaah waaah waaaaaaah". That's right, that noise you hear on tv that sounds like drawn out trumpet noises....please tell me you know what I'm talking about? It's borderline hysterical. I have no idea where he heard it or picked it up from, but it amuses me to no end.
This past weekend we went to my cousin's house and carved pumpkins. Two we carved with faces and one we carved out to stick my cousin's four month old son in. I kid you not (haha, I didn't even make that joke on purpose!). Little G was in his "baby's first Halloween" costume and we were taking full advantage of the moment, damn it! So we carved out this ridiculous pumpkin and set everything up in front of my cousin's dark brown couch. The Gremlin was not thrilled with this idea. In fact he said "You know, grammy did a really good job watching that baby the other day." as if insinuating that maybe she would be the best person to entrust Little G with. Then he flapped his arms around saying "No, no, don't do it. It's not a good idea.". Oh little man, I think that freaking way too adorable pictures prove otherwise!
P.s. If anyone finds my cute, goes to bed on time without a fuss, doesn't throw hissy fits ever son, could you please return him? I miss him terribly....Haha, just kidding...sort of. :o)
Things have been insanely hectic. My dad has been in a rehab center getting physical and occupational therapy for the past almost three weeks. Yes, he is closer to home, which is nice. However, this also means I spend an abundant amount of time there so nothing here is getting done. Nothing. At all.
I've also been completing training at my new job. Boy, has that been fun! It's like high school all over again, I swear. I just keep telling myself "You're here to work. You're here for the job. You need to make money. Do NOT strangle anyone!". That last part is a joke....or is it?...
So I haven't gotten to do anything. Everything is piling up. Laundry, cleaning, blogging. There is no time in the day for anything. And to top it off, The Gremlin has apparently decided to make up for the fact that he was never a terrible two or three by being a god awful four. Fun times are being had by all.
Speaking of The Gremlin, here are some recent gems:
It seems that my son has developed all kinds of new quirks while I've been diligently learning my new job. For example, when something doesn't go his way, or if someone drops something, or if something on tv happens he now goes "waaah waaah waaaaaaah". That's right, that noise you hear on tv that sounds like drawn out trumpet noises....please tell me you know what I'm talking about? It's borderline hysterical. I have no idea where he heard it or picked it up from, but it amuses me to no end.
This past weekend we went to my cousin's house and carved pumpkins. Two we carved with faces and one we carved out to stick my cousin's four month old son in. I kid you not (haha, I didn't even make that joke on purpose!). Little G was in his "baby's first Halloween" costume and we were taking full advantage of the moment, damn it! So we carved out this ridiculous pumpkin and set everything up in front of my cousin's dark brown couch. The Gremlin was not thrilled with this idea. In fact he said "You know, grammy did a really good job watching that baby the other day." as if insinuating that maybe she would be the best person to entrust Little G with. Then he flapped his arms around saying "No, no, don't do it. It's not a good idea.". Oh little man, I think that freaking way too adorable pictures prove otherwise!
P.s. If anyone finds my cute, goes to bed on time without a fuss, doesn't throw hissy fits ever son, could you please return him? I miss him terribly....Haha, just kidding...sort of. :o)
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Time to Take Stock in Umbrellas!
Note to self: Never, and I mean NEVER, use the term "When it rains, it pours" again! Sheesh, who knew that would snowball into a virtual hurricane of issues. And not just minor issues, I'm not talking "I misplaced my phone charger and I'm leaving for a three day weekend" kind of issue. We're talking big issues, life changing issues. Involving a boss, a parent, and a grandparent.
We'll start with the parent. As I mentioned, my dad had a problem with his foot. He's diabetic, so a problem with a foot is a major issue. It started as a crack in his heel that wouldn't heal no matter what was put on it or was prescribed to him. It then turned into a big problem when it became infected and got worse and worse until my dad couldn't even walk. He had a cat scan, he had doctor visits, and somewhere along the line the ball was dropped, he was not seen soon enough, and to make a long involved story short- they had to amputate. Yesterday actually. They put the surgery off twice (the surgeon was ill) and finally went through with it. It was hard to accept, hard to deal with, and man it sucks preparing yourself for something like that two days in a row to have the surgery postponed over a weekend to a Monday! It went well, my dad is resting (hopefully) comfortably and the road to recovery is going to be a long one. But he's alive and he's in fairly good spirits considering. Plus now he gets to crack all kinds of jokes like "Now I'm half a foot shorter!" and make his nurses feel all kinds of uncomfortable. I'm concerned about what's going on in his head and how he's handling this, but my dad is old school. Blue collar, no non-sense, do not talk about your feelings kind of old school. So it's hard to tell. He's coping, but unfortunately there's no way to tell just how well or not well he's coping.
On to the grandparent- This past Sunday, the day before my dad's surgery, my 87 year old grandfather was having a problem with heartburn that persisted over Saturday into Sunday and he had a fever. So my mother shuttled him off to the nearest Emergency room. He shuffled in on his own slippered feet only for us to find out after an EKG that he had a heart attack. He was then shuttled off by ambulance to a different hospital...you guessed it, the same one my father has been residing at for the past two weeks, just a different floor. Grampy is doing well, being put on different medications, and complaining wholeheartedly about the hospital food. He goes from warm fuzzy little old Grampy to grumpy miserable bear Grampy. And my grandmother, as sweet as she is, is one hundred percent convinced that it has nothing to do with his diet (this from the woman who would make a bologna and cheese sandwich and put butter on it) but is directly resulting from my grandfather's daily intake of maybe, MAYBE, 6 oz. of diet coke each day. Oh, Grammy!
And last but certainly not least, my boss, bless his 80 year old heart, had a stroke two weekends ago. As you may (or probably more likely may not) recall, I had an interview two and a half weeks ago. Well, I GOT THE JOB! So that following Monday as I promised myself, I put on my "big girl panties" (let me clarify, this means I was a Big Girl, not that I put on a large size pair of underwear from added roominess and comfort on such an important day!) and marched into work to deliver my two weeks notice. Unfortunately, shortly after that we found out my boss had a stroke while away for the weekend. Total buzz kill. He's doing well, he's actually in his office right now (here I go, blogging at work again! This is the slowest point of the season...I think customers are afraid to come in because we are immediately up in their faces begging for some human interaction and a sale...) doing a preseason order with a rep. All is not one hundred percent, but my boss is a tough cookie and I have no doubt that he will be back to as close as one hundred percent as he can get in no time!
So that, dear readers (Are you there??? Hello? Hellllloooo???), is why I have been MIA for the last however many days, weeks, it's been. If it's not one thing it's another and I swear to you that has been the way my life has gone for a long, loooong time. Sometimes, or rather more often than not, it borders on ridiculous. Like I find myself looking up and thinking silently "Really? REALLY?" and I am not a religious person in the least bit. A little bit of a break in the craziness would be fantastic instead of wave upon wave of things coming up. It gets to a point where I feel like I can't have a normal life. I won't be able to have the husband, kids, house, white picket fence, and dog I've always wanted because my insane life will forever be throwing a wrench in the works. I hope this isn't true. I really hope this is just some silly fear I harbor, but I don't know. It seems more and more likely that I'm always going to be dealing with something and not working towards the goals I have in mind (and heart). But we'll see. I'm hoping that getting this new job is a shining beacon of sanity and accomplishment that will lead the way towards bigger and better things. Maybe I won't be single forever, maybe I won't have to resort to becoming a cat lady, maybe a night life of bingo won't be my fate! Maybe.
Gremlin Gem- Here's a good one. I was driving to....somewhere that I can't remember now this weekend and I went down a side street. I was driving my dad's Escape (which I have fallen in love with over the last two weeks and he may never get back) and right in front of me was one of those silly little cars, you know the little hatchbacks with room enough for the driver and a box tic tacs, and the tic tacs might be pushing it. Now, the girl driving it was trying to perform some sort of tom-foolery car manuever from the right side (my side) of the road to the left (I guess she was attempting to reverse directions. Clearly she's not from this area where there's eight hundred side streets that lead you back to where you came from, where you were going, and potentially even to where you didn't know you wanted to be!). I don't know who gave this girl her license but they should be fired post haste! She performed an 89 1/2 point turn for about five minutes in the middle of the road. Come on! Your car is barely bigger than The Gremlin's matchbox cars! It's not that difficult! This is a normal size road! Hell, it's bordering on slightly larger than average sized road! So there we were stuck watching this ridiculous show of poor driving ability with cars lining up behind us and cars lining up on the opposite side of us. I muttered under my breath "Friggin' idiot" not realizing I had a four year old with super hearing in the back. The Gremlin immediately shrieked "Mumma! Do NOT say bad words. That's not how you treat your friends!". Friends? I don't know this girl nor would I ever want to associate with her, her inability to make a simple three point turn in the aforementioned three points directly shows her problem with decision making and well brains in general. I apologized, "I'm sorry buddy, thank you for reminding me." to which my son full of far too much attitude for his four years replied far too smugly "It was my pleasure.". Really?! Really.
We'll start with the parent. As I mentioned, my dad had a problem with his foot. He's diabetic, so a problem with a foot is a major issue. It started as a crack in his heel that wouldn't heal no matter what was put on it or was prescribed to him. It then turned into a big problem when it became infected and got worse and worse until my dad couldn't even walk. He had a cat scan, he had doctor visits, and somewhere along the line the ball was dropped, he was not seen soon enough, and to make a long involved story short- they had to amputate. Yesterday actually. They put the surgery off twice (the surgeon was ill) and finally went through with it. It was hard to accept, hard to deal with, and man it sucks preparing yourself for something like that two days in a row to have the surgery postponed over a weekend to a Monday! It went well, my dad is resting (hopefully) comfortably and the road to recovery is going to be a long one. But he's alive and he's in fairly good spirits considering. Plus now he gets to crack all kinds of jokes like "Now I'm half a foot shorter!" and make his nurses feel all kinds of uncomfortable. I'm concerned about what's going on in his head and how he's handling this, but my dad is old school. Blue collar, no non-sense, do not talk about your feelings kind of old school. So it's hard to tell. He's coping, but unfortunately there's no way to tell just how well or not well he's coping.
On to the grandparent- This past Sunday, the day before my dad's surgery, my 87 year old grandfather was having a problem with heartburn that persisted over Saturday into Sunday and he had a fever. So my mother shuttled him off to the nearest Emergency room. He shuffled in on his own slippered feet only for us to find out after an EKG that he had a heart attack. He was then shuttled off by ambulance to a different hospital...you guessed it, the same one my father has been residing at for the past two weeks, just a different floor. Grampy is doing well, being put on different medications, and complaining wholeheartedly about the hospital food. He goes from warm fuzzy little old Grampy to grumpy miserable bear Grampy. And my grandmother, as sweet as she is, is one hundred percent convinced that it has nothing to do with his diet (this from the woman who would make a bologna and cheese sandwich and put butter on it) but is directly resulting from my grandfather's daily intake of maybe, MAYBE, 6 oz. of diet coke each day. Oh, Grammy!
And last but certainly not least, my boss, bless his 80 year old heart, had a stroke two weekends ago. As you may (or probably more likely may not) recall, I had an interview two and a half weeks ago. Well, I GOT THE JOB! So that following Monday as I promised myself, I put on my "big girl panties" (let me clarify, this means I was a Big Girl, not that I put on a large size pair of underwear from added roominess and comfort on such an important day!) and marched into work to deliver my two weeks notice. Unfortunately, shortly after that we found out my boss had a stroke while away for the weekend. Total buzz kill. He's doing well, he's actually in his office right now (here I go, blogging at work again! This is the slowest point of the season...I think customers are afraid to come in because we are immediately up in their faces begging for some human interaction and a sale...) doing a preseason order with a rep. All is not one hundred percent, but my boss is a tough cookie and I have no doubt that he will be back to as close as one hundred percent as he can get in no time!
So that, dear readers (Are you there??? Hello? Hellllloooo???), is why I have been MIA for the last however many days, weeks, it's been. If it's not one thing it's another and I swear to you that has been the way my life has gone for a long, loooong time. Sometimes, or rather more often than not, it borders on ridiculous. Like I find myself looking up and thinking silently "Really? REALLY?" and I am not a religious person in the least bit. A little bit of a break in the craziness would be fantastic instead of wave upon wave of things coming up. It gets to a point where I feel like I can't have a normal life. I won't be able to have the husband, kids, house, white picket fence, and dog I've always wanted because my insane life will forever be throwing a wrench in the works. I hope this isn't true. I really hope this is just some silly fear I harbor, but I don't know. It seems more and more likely that I'm always going to be dealing with something and not working towards the goals I have in mind (and heart). But we'll see. I'm hoping that getting this new job is a shining beacon of sanity and accomplishment that will lead the way towards bigger and better things. Maybe I won't be single forever, maybe I won't have to resort to becoming a cat lady, maybe a night life of bingo won't be my fate! Maybe.
Gremlin Gem- Here's a good one. I was driving to....somewhere that I can't remember now this weekend and I went down a side street. I was driving my dad's Escape (which I have fallen in love with over the last two weeks and he may never get back) and right in front of me was one of those silly little cars, you know the little hatchbacks with room enough for the driver and a box tic tacs, and the tic tacs might be pushing it. Now, the girl driving it was trying to perform some sort of tom-foolery car manuever from the right side (my side) of the road to the left (I guess she was attempting to reverse directions. Clearly she's not from this area where there's eight hundred side streets that lead you back to where you came from, where you were going, and potentially even to where you didn't know you wanted to be!). I don't know who gave this girl her license but they should be fired post haste! She performed an 89 1/2 point turn for about five minutes in the middle of the road. Come on! Your car is barely bigger than The Gremlin's matchbox cars! It's not that difficult! This is a normal size road! Hell, it's bordering on slightly larger than average sized road! So there we were stuck watching this ridiculous show of poor driving ability with cars lining up behind us and cars lining up on the opposite side of us. I muttered under my breath "Friggin' idiot" not realizing I had a four year old with super hearing in the back. The Gremlin immediately shrieked "Mumma! Do NOT say bad words. That's not how you treat your friends!". Friends? I don't know this girl nor would I ever want to associate with her, her inability to make a simple three point turn in the aforementioned three points directly shows her problem with decision making and well brains in general. I apologized, "I'm sorry buddy, thank you for reminding me." to which my son full of far too much attitude for his four years replied far too smugly "It was my pleasure.". Really?! Really.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Oh Em Gee!
(First, let me say, I am a total slacker with this blogging thing. But it's ENTIRELY not my fault! Remember when I said a couple blogs back "when it rains it ours"...It's been a monsoon for the last couple weeks! I'll explain THAT on another day, another blog.)
Yeah, I said it. Oh Em Gee!!! I have an interview today. Eeek! I'm keeping it on the DL for now because I don't know which way it's going to go and I'd rather not jinx it. But I am excited. Excited and yet torn. Let's just throw this out there- I have a total love hate relationship with my job. It's the first job I've had (aside from one nanny job with two kids that I adored) that I haven't woken up 9 out of 10 mornings and thought "Damn. I do NOT want to go to work.". I don't know if it's because it's my first "real job" so to speak or if it's because I have the Gremlin now and there's a certain sense of "provider instinct". Perhaps it's the fact that I've been here for almost two years and I've finally gotten into a routine. Whatever the reasoning, as crazy as this place makes me (yes, I'm blogging at work. I'm an excellent multi-tasker.) I'm a little reluctant to leave. The hours are fabulous, I still get to spend a lot of time with my gremlin. They are very understanding about when I have to leave for appointments. And they've finally started to understand my sense of humor! It's a miracle. I'm starting to get a long with my coworkers really well (it was three girls, there was bound to be issues) just in time for the pool season to end.
But here's the thing- this place, this job, these stores aren't going anywhere. There's no chance for promotion, no growth in the company, and there's no benefits. No paid holidays. No sick time. No personal days. And in almost two years here I've earned....one week of vacation. I know, I know. At least I get a vacation. But you don't understand! This is my job title "Office Manager/Property Manager/Court Representative/Sales Clerk/Personal Assistant for Such and Such Pool Company, So and So Ski Shop, and His and His Rentals". That's a lot of freakin' hats that I have to wear! And at the end of the day it's simply too much. The pay isn't there. And the stress is off the charts. There's no support up front so I spend my entire day running around like a mad woman and when I get home I'm totally exhausted and I'm still thinking about what I failed to get done today that I'll now have to do tomorrow. It's waaaaaaaaaay too much. Plus there's some other issues but we won't discuss those publicly on the internets to avoid any....issues later on.
So at the end of the day, I have an interview. I hope it goes well. And if it goes well I hope I can put my big girl panties on, march myself in her on Monday and say "It's been fun, I appreciate the experience, but here's my two weeks notice.". We'll see how it goes. I'll definitely miss a handful of people here and what's really sad is that I've spent nearly two years here and one of my boss' won't remember my name a week after I've left. Sad, but totally true.
And now, for a Gremlin Gem! So my dad has an issue with his foot (WHOLE other story!) and Gremlin and I have made the half hour trip to his apartment to care for his foot, make him dinner, and clean up around his apartment (do his laundry, his grocery shopping, his cleaning....hey, he's my dad, I owe him.) and then the half hour trip home every day for the last two weeks. The Gremlin has developed this interest because of it in being a doctor. Now every time I go to wash my dad's foot, Gremlin and "Dr. Cat" (my orange cat Dinah that lives with my dad) HAVE to be present and he "consults" with Dr. Cat. He'll drag poor Dinah out from where ever she's gone to hide (under the bed, behind the couch, in the armchair...whatever works) and stand there tilting his head from side and side going "Soap, check. Tape, check. Looks good, Dr. Cat! How's it going Mumma?". This is when he can tear himself away from my father's computer where he has learned how to navigate the Disney Jr website and find the videos for Cars and Handy Manny. Priorities, people, priorities!
Yeah, I said it. Oh Em Gee!!! I have an interview today. Eeek! I'm keeping it on the DL for now because I don't know which way it's going to go and I'd rather not jinx it. But I am excited. Excited and yet torn. Let's just throw this out there- I have a total love hate relationship with my job. It's the first job I've had (aside from one nanny job with two kids that I adored) that I haven't woken up 9 out of 10 mornings and thought "Damn. I do NOT want to go to work.". I don't know if it's because it's my first "real job" so to speak or if it's because I have the Gremlin now and there's a certain sense of "provider instinct". Perhaps it's the fact that I've been here for almost two years and I've finally gotten into a routine. Whatever the reasoning, as crazy as this place makes me (yes, I'm blogging at work. I'm an excellent multi-tasker.) I'm a little reluctant to leave. The hours are fabulous, I still get to spend a lot of time with my gremlin. They are very understanding about when I have to leave for appointments. And they've finally started to understand my sense of humor! It's a miracle. I'm starting to get a long with my coworkers really well (it was three girls, there was bound to be issues) just in time for the pool season to end.
But here's the thing- this place, this job, these stores aren't going anywhere. There's no chance for promotion, no growth in the company, and there's no benefits. No paid holidays. No sick time. No personal days. And in almost two years here I've earned....one week of vacation. I know, I know. At least I get a vacation. But you don't understand! This is my job title "Office Manager/Property Manager/Court Representative/Sales Clerk/Personal Assistant for Such and Such Pool Company, So and So Ski Shop, and His and His Rentals". That's a lot of freakin' hats that I have to wear! And at the end of the day it's simply too much. The pay isn't there. And the stress is off the charts. There's no support up front so I spend my entire day running around like a mad woman and when I get home I'm totally exhausted and I'm still thinking about what I failed to get done today that I'll now have to do tomorrow. It's waaaaaaaaaay too much. Plus there's some other issues but we won't discuss those publicly on the internets to avoid any....issues later on.
So at the end of the day, I have an interview. I hope it goes well. And if it goes well I hope I can put my big girl panties on, march myself in her on Monday and say "It's been fun, I appreciate the experience, but here's my two weeks notice.". We'll see how it goes. I'll definitely miss a handful of people here and what's really sad is that I've spent nearly two years here and one of my boss' won't remember my name a week after I've left. Sad, but totally true.
And now, for a Gremlin Gem! So my dad has an issue with his foot (WHOLE other story!) and Gremlin and I have made the half hour trip to his apartment to care for his foot, make him dinner, and clean up around his apartment (do his laundry, his grocery shopping, his cleaning....hey, he's my dad, I owe him.) and then the half hour trip home every day for the last two weeks. The Gremlin has developed this interest because of it in being a doctor. Now every time I go to wash my dad's foot, Gremlin and "Dr. Cat" (my orange cat Dinah that lives with my dad) HAVE to be present and he "consults" with Dr. Cat. He'll drag poor Dinah out from where ever she's gone to hide (under the bed, behind the couch, in the armchair...whatever works) and stand there tilting his head from side and side going "Soap, check. Tape, check. Looks good, Dr. Cat! How's it going Mumma?". This is when he can tear himself away from my father's computer where he has learned how to navigate the Disney Jr website and find the videos for Cars and Handy Manny. Priorities, people, priorities!
Friday, September 2, 2011
Like a River
"I'm Moving On"
by Rascal Flatts
"I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on"
Thank you Rascal Flatts for having the words I needed to hear! I've always ALWAYS loved that song. It's probably my favorite one of theirs. But last night it took on a whole new meaning. And I cried, boy did I cry! (Bet you understand the "Like a River" headline now, I'm witty, I know.) It was what I needed to hear at that time to know in my heart what my mind was refusing to accept. I'm Finnish, we're stubborn like that. The line "life has been patiently waiting for me..." caught me in particular. I've been so caught up in trying to make present situations work that I've forgotten how to look forward to the future, how to appreciate each day that I am given, and how to let go of the past. It's not going to be easy, in fact it's going to be an absolute bear to get through, but I can do this. I can stand up for myself and I can say enough (using my big girl voice and everything!). And this is exactly why I love music. It says what you need to hear when you don't even know you needed to hear anything at all. So yay for one positive blog admist a sea of woes. It's tough revisiting old wounds. It's especially hard for me to write everything out all the emotions I felt and all the awful things I went through and then going back and reading what I wrote. I almost want to stop and go "Whoa, that was me?". I know I've lived it and I know I've dissected every part of it with my best friend when it was happening. But to see it all written out? It's a little overwhelming. I hope that being able to get it out and see it on "paper" will allow me to really move on. To heal when I haven't been able. To maybe find a piece of the old content me and drag it back to today. We'll see what happens, I s'pose.
And now *drumroll* what you have all been REALLY waiting for, some brand new just for you (that's bs but I thought I'd try to make you feel special, you're welcome. They were really for me.) Gremlin Gems!
So Gremlin and I have a nightly routine of brushing our teeth together. He has one of those fun little sand hourglass things you get from the dentist when you're under the age of probably 6. So we (me) get the toothbrushes ready and we countdown (3,2,1...GO!) flip the hourglass and start brushing. This is followed by rinsing (me with mouthwash, him with water but shhh don't tell him it's only water) and spitting (clearly his favorite part), and then I floss his teeth with his neon dinosaur shaped flossers. Two nights ago I finished brushing his teeth and Gremlin started smiling, no, full out GRINNING and almost laughing a little. I smiled at him because it was so contagious and asked what he was so happy about. He said "You flossed my teeth, sanks (the "th" sound is a work in progress) mumma, you're the best!" with so much enthusiasm it was ridiculous! I just wanted to hug the stuffing out of the kid! (Note to self: GIANT box of dinosaur flossers for the Gremlin for Christmas. Apparently that's the way to his heart. Who knew?)
The next morning the Gremlin promptly forgot how awesome I am. I was taking off his pjs and his head got stuck (by the way, when did my kid get such a freakishly big head?! Does this happen with age? Will it go back to normal? Do I have to buy him bigger shirts just to make sure his giant noggin doesn't get caught every time?!?!) and I had to do a bit of finagling to get his squash out with his ears still attached. Gremlin promptly grabbed either side of his head, rubbing his ears furiously, looked at me, and exclaimed "What is wrong with you?!". Listen kid, you didn't get the giant melon from me.
The Gremlin has this new "talent" he's been perfecting. He leans on the foot stool on one side and the couch on the other and swings. He thinks this is the greatest trick ever. But the footstool is on wheels (it's more like a cushioned trunk for lack of a better description) and starts to scoot away from him. Which causes him to collapse the whole six inches to the floor. He ALWAYS hams it up and lately his new "thing" is to say "The couch gave me the slip again!". Hysterical.
And last (but definitely not least), Gremlin will collide with something or pretend he crashed into something, then he'll flop face down no matter where he is, and say in his best wounded voice "Oh, I think I broke my spleeter." Don't ask me what a spleeter is. As far as I can tell it's located somewhere in his knee. Although he always grabs for his stomach or side before he falls down. Oh the dramatics, they start early in my family.
by Rascal Flatts
"I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on"
Thank you Rascal Flatts for having the words I needed to hear! I've always ALWAYS loved that song. It's probably my favorite one of theirs. But last night it took on a whole new meaning. And I cried, boy did I cry! (Bet you understand the "Like a River" headline now, I'm witty, I know.) It was what I needed to hear at that time to know in my heart what my mind was refusing to accept. I'm Finnish, we're stubborn like that. The line "life has been patiently waiting for me..." caught me in particular. I've been so caught up in trying to make present situations work that I've forgotten how to look forward to the future, how to appreciate each day that I am given, and how to let go of the past. It's not going to be easy, in fact it's going to be an absolute bear to get through, but I can do this. I can stand up for myself and I can say enough (using my big girl voice and everything!). And this is exactly why I love music. It says what you need to hear when you don't even know you needed to hear anything at all. So yay for one positive blog admist a sea of woes. It's tough revisiting old wounds. It's especially hard for me to write everything out all the emotions I felt and all the awful things I went through and then going back and reading what I wrote. I almost want to stop and go "Whoa, that was me?". I know I've lived it and I know I've dissected every part of it with my best friend when it was happening. But to see it all written out? It's a little overwhelming. I hope that being able to get it out and see it on "paper" will allow me to really move on. To heal when I haven't been able. To maybe find a piece of the old content me and drag it back to today. We'll see what happens, I s'pose.
And now *drumroll* what you have all been REALLY waiting for, some brand new just for you (that's bs but I thought I'd try to make you feel special, you're welcome. They were really for me.) Gremlin Gems!
So Gremlin and I have a nightly routine of brushing our teeth together. He has one of those fun little sand hourglass things you get from the dentist when you're under the age of probably 6. So we (me) get the toothbrushes ready and we countdown (3,2,1...GO!) flip the hourglass and start brushing. This is followed by rinsing (me with mouthwash, him with water but shhh don't tell him it's only water) and spitting (clearly his favorite part), and then I floss his teeth with his neon dinosaur shaped flossers. Two nights ago I finished brushing his teeth and Gremlin started smiling, no, full out GRINNING and almost laughing a little. I smiled at him because it was so contagious and asked what he was so happy about. He said "You flossed my teeth, sanks (the "th" sound is a work in progress) mumma, you're the best!" with so much enthusiasm it was ridiculous! I just wanted to hug the stuffing out of the kid! (Note to self: GIANT box of dinosaur flossers for the Gremlin for Christmas. Apparently that's the way to his heart. Who knew?)
The next morning the Gremlin promptly forgot how awesome I am. I was taking off his pjs and his head got stuck (by the way, when did my kid get such a freakishly big head?! Does this happen with age? Will it go back to normal? Do I have to buy him bigger shirts just to make sure his giant noggin doesn't get caught every time?!?!) and I had to do a bit of finagling to get his squash out with his ears still attached. Gremlin promptly grabbed either side of his head, rubbing his ears furiously, looked at me, and exclaimed "What is wrong with you?!". Listen kid, you didn't get the giant melon from me.
The Gremlin has this new "talent" he's been perfecting. He leans on the foot stool on one side and the couch on the other and swings. He thinks this is the greatest trick ever. But the footstool is on wheels (it's more like a cushioned trunk for lack of a better description) and starts to scoot away from him. Which causes him to collapse the whole six inches to the floor. He ALWAYS hams it up and lately his new "thing" is to say "The couch gave me the slip again!". Hysterical.
And last (but definitely not least), Gremlin will collide with something or pretend he crashed into something, then he'll flop face down no matter where he is, and say in his best wounded voice "Oh, I think I broke my spleeter." Don't ask me what a spleeter is. As far as I can tell it's located somewhere in his knee. Although he always grabs for his stomach or side before he falls down. Oh the dramatics, they start early in my family.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
The Ever Important Question: How?
I SWEAR I will get back to my long winded tale of the three years DB was a part of The Gremlin's life...at some point. Right now though I'm going to jump ahead because it's my blog and I can do that. Also I'm having a rough time trying to figure out my place and what my role is else where and I need to vent it out. Hardcore. Before steam starts shooting out of my ears (no more ear problems!).
In removing DB from our lives I made the decision to allow his mother and his younger sister (and father and twin brother) to still see The Gremlin. They did nothing wrong, they saw him on a consistent basis, and it was clear that they really loved him. Now at the time DB's sister was pregnant but had not had her daughter yet. Yes, there was a nagging fear in the back of my mind that things would irreparably change once she was born and that Gremlin and I would be "old hat". But I wasn't about to voice those fears to them. I mean really, discuss this with one very pregnant chick and Gremlin's nana?! Wasn't possible at the time. Besides they were family to me and Gremlin and I was convinced then that everything would be ok.
Fast forward now to today and boy, I was wrong. I was beyond wrong. We're talking an epic amount of wrong. First of all we've been meeting at a mall. Because they are afraid of their son coming to their house. So we sit at a table, them on one side, us on the other. Similar to a prison visit without the glass partition and the phone. For anywhere from an hour to three hours. Once a week. That is no way for a child to visit with "family". I say "family" because we don't really hear from them until I text them the day of our visit and ask if we're still meeting. Third, it hasn't been all too consistent. It all started last year, the day after Gremlin's birthday. We met them for our "usual" meeting and I could already tell something was wrong. They brought along Gremlin's Uncle. He never sees his uncle. And everyone just had that look on their face like they were dreading what was about to happen. I was on edge the whole time. Then they made the mistake of bringing out this huge gift bag and telling me it was from DB and do I want the Gremlin to have it. Are you serious? You're going to SHOW him this huge gift bag and then ask me if I want him to have it so I can look like the a**hole when I say no? They gave David the gift and me the card. The card was written out and signed by DB's girlfriend in his name. I ripped it in half and threw it away. Petty, maybe, but damn it sure felt good. I remember I had to walk away for a moment so my best friend sat with Gremlin and the "family" while I took a moment to myself. I came back and DB's sister's boyfriend (that's not confusing or anything) took Gremlin down to the little play place and as I watched them walk away I knew whatever it was that they had been dreading was finally here. The night before, on Gremlin's actual birthday, DB came to their home with his girlfriend...and an ultrasound picture. To me that says "I am officially replacing my son with a new child, be excited for me.". I melted down. I walked outside, got in my car, and bawled my eyes out. Not because I thought there was a chance for me and DB, but I cried my heart out for my son. My son who did NOT deserve a single second of the bullsh*t DB put us through. My son who did NOT deserve to grow up without his father. My son who did NOT deserve to be treated like a play toy that's easy to replace. I gathered myself enough to walk back inside straight by the table where everyone still sat, down to the play place. The Aunt's Boyfriend knew and just handed Gremlin to me and I turned around and walked right back out of the mall to my car. Thankfully my best friend was with me to grab everything I had left behind and meet me outside. And we drove away. They didn't come to Gremlin's party that year. I didn't extend an invitation. I was broken in so many ways and I didn't even really have it in me to have a party. There was fighting amongst my family and then this with their family. But I did it for Gremlin and the day of his party I got worlds of nasty text messages from his Aunt. Attacking me for me as a person, attacking my "relationship" with Gremlin's father, attacking me for having a party for my son. I was done. I was beyond done. And we did not speak for probably a good two months. The dust settled and I wrote them a very long letter explaining my side of the story. They contacted me and thanked me for being the one to reach out and try to fix things. I made a surprise visit with The Gremlin to their house on Halloween. Things seemed right for awhile. We aren't invited to holidays anymore, DB is there. We aren't invited to birthday parties, DB is there. We are not invited to anything they go to or do, DB is there. We get cancelled on because DB demands their attention for something or other. We get cancelled on even though they pick the day and time we were suppose to meet.
I love them, I considered them family, they were my safe haven when my family didn't agree with the decision I had made. But my situation in this crazy mess is a tough one. I always feel like the outsider. Like I don't really belong there and I'm just being tolerated. I feel like I've been replaced and my son has been replaced. I feel like I'm holding on to something that I don't really have the right to. I feel like I'm holding onto something that's long gone. Something where only the very tips of my fingers are touching. It's hard to trust them. It's hard to listen to what they have to say. They tell me they don't like DB's girlfriend, but facebook (stupid stupid facebook) says the complete opposite. I feel like I'm being lied to. So how do I cut myself off from them? How do I make that decision to walk away from the only members of that family that the Gremlin has left? How does this always end up being my decision to make? How do I explain to Gremlin that there's nothing wrong with him, that it was them, it was the situation? How do I keep his little heart from breaking when he's a little bit older and has questions? How do I get through this?
I know I can do it. I know I'm strong enough. But my heart just recovered from DB walking away and replacing us or what felt like replacing us. And to be honest, I was a lot closer to his mom and sister. I never wanted to have to explain to Gremlin something like this. I never want him to ever feel like he wasn't good enough. Because it's not his fault in any way shape or form. It was a bad situation. It was a "parent" who wasn't ready to be one, who wasn't mature enough to be one, who couldn't be responsible enough. And it was a series of events stemming from his inability to step up and be a father that caused everything else to fall apart.
And how do you not get angry over it? How do you accept the fact that an entire family can do this to a child? Any child, not just because he's mine. I'll never understand it. Any thoughts? Ideas? Anything? How? How? How?!
In removing DB from our lives I made the decision to allow his mother and his younger sister (and father and twin brother) to still see The Gremlin. They did nothing wrong, they saw him on a consistent basis, and it was clear that they really loved him. Now at the time DB's sister was pregnant but had not had her daughter yet. Yes, there was a nagging fear in the back of my mind that things would irreparably change once she was born and that Gremlin and I would be "old hat". But I wasn't about to voice those fears to them. I mean really, discuss this with one very pregnant chick and Gremlin's nana?! Wasn't possible at the time. Besides they were family to me and Gremlin and I was convinced then that everything would be ok.
Fast forward now to today and boy, I was wrong. I was beyond wrong. We're talking an epic amount of wrong. First of all we've been meeting at a mall. Because they are afraid of their son coming to their house. So we sit at a table, them on one side, us on the other. Similar to a prison visit without the glass partition and the phone. For anywhere from an hour to three hours. Once a week. That is no way for a child to visit with "family". I say "family" because we don't really hear from them until I text them the day of our visit and ask if we're still meeting. Third, it hasn't been all too consistent. It all started last year, the day after Gremlin's birthday. We met them for our "usual" meeting and I could already tell something was wrong. They brought along Gremlin's Uncle. He never sees his uncle. And everyone just had that look on their face like they were dreading what was about to happen. I was on edge the whole time. Then they made the mistake of bringing out this huge gift bag and telling me it was from DB and do I want the Gremlin to have it. Are you serious? You're going to SHOW him this huge gift bag and then ask me if I want him to have it so I can look like the a**hole when I say no? They gave David the gift and me the card. The card was written out and signed by DB's girlfriend in his name. I ripped it in half and threw it away. Petty, maybe, but damn it sure felt good. I remember I had to walk away for a moment so my best friend sat with Gremlin and the "family" while I took a moment to myself. I came back and DB's sister's boyfriend (that's not confusing or anything) took Gremlin down to the little play place and as I watched them walk away I knew whatever it was that they had been dreading was finally here. The night before, on Gremlin's actual birthday, DB came to their home with his girlfriend...and an ultrasound picture. To me that says "I am officially replacing my son with a new child, be excited for me.". I melted down. I walked outside, got in my car, and bawled my eyes out. Not because I thought there was a chance for me and DB, but I cried my heart out for my son. My son who did NOT deserve a single second of the bullsh*t DB put us through. My son who did NOT deserve to grow up without his father. My son who did NOT deserve to be treated like a play toy that's easy to replace. I gathered myself enough to walk back inside straight by the table where everyone still sat, down to the play place. The Aunt's Boyfriend knew and just handed Gremlin to me and I turned around and walked right back out of the mall to my car. Thankfully my best friend was with me to grab everything I had left behind and meet me outside. And we drove away. They didn't come to Gremlin's party that year. I didn't extend an invitation. I was broken in so many ways and I didn't even really have it in me to have a party. There was fighting amongst my family and then this with their family. But I did it for Gremlin and the day of his party I got worlds of nasty text messages from his Aunt. Attacking me for me as a person, attacking my "relationship" with Gremlin's father, attacking me for having a party for my son. I was done. I was beyond done. And we did not speak for probably a good two months. The dust settled and I wrote them a very long letter explaining my side of the story. They contacted me and thanked me for being the one to reach out and try to fix things. I made a surprise visit with The Gremlin to their house on Halloween. Things seemed right for awhile. We aren't invited to holidays anymore, DB is there. We aren't invited to birthday parties, DB is there. We are not invited to anything they go to or do, DB is there. We get cancelled on because DB demands their attention for something or other. We get cancelled on even though they pick the day and time we were suppose to meet.
I love them, I considered them family, they were my safe haven when my family didn't agree with the decision I had made. But my situation in this crazy mess is a tough one. I always feel like the outsider. Like I don't really belong there and I'm just being tolerated. I feel like I've been replaced and my son has been replaced. I feel like I'm holding on to something that I don't really have the right to. I feel like I'm holding onto something that's long gone. Something where only the very tips of my fingers are touching. It's hard to trust them. It's hard to listen to what they have to say. They tell me they don't like DB's girlfriend, but facebook (stupid stupid facebook) says the complete opposite. I feel like I'm being lied to. So how do I cut myself off from them? How do I make that decision to walk away from the only members of that family that the Gremlin has left? How does this always end up being my decision to make? How do I explain to Gremlin that there's nothing wrong with him, that it was them, it was the situation? How do I keep his little heart from breaking when he's a little bit older and has questions? How do I get through this?
I know I can do it. I know I'm strong enough. But my heart just recovered from DB walking away and replacing us or what felt like replacing us. And to be honest, I was a lot closer to his mom and sister. I never wanted to have to explain to Gremlin something like this. I never want him to ever feel like he wasn't good enough. Because it's not his fault in any way shape or form. It was a bad situation. It was a "parent" who wasn't ready to be one, who wasn't mature enough to be one, who couldn't be responsible enough. And it was a series of events stemming from his inability to step up and be a father that caused everything else to fall apart.
And how do you not get angry over it? How do you accept the fact that an entire family can do this to a child? Any child, not just because he's mine. I'll never understand it. Any thoughts? Ideas? Anything? How? How? How?!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
The Gremlin Turns 4!
I will eventually get back to the story of this crazy ride called life, but today is a day of celebration. The Gremlin turns 4 today. At 4:22 p.m. to be exact. Four! Where does the time go??? The time has gone, but it has been absolutely amazing. It's been a learning experience. It's been happy, sad, maddening, and just about every emotion in between. It's been life at it's finest.
Raising The Gremlin has been an absolute pleasure. Yes, there have been more than enough times where I wanted to pull my hair out and lock myself in the bathroom. But all in all it's been wonderful. Watching him learn and grow, seeing him test out walking, and speaking those first words. Getting to experience all his first and the moments he tried something new. Hearing the great things he has had to say. It's been nothing short of wonderful.
He's growing into such a smart and funny boy. He has this one of a kind sassy attitude. He's so incredibly loving and giving. He's everything I could have ever have hoped for and so much more. He is going to be a great individual and I am so proud to call him my son.
Happy fourth birthday, Gremlin! May your upcoming year bring you as much happiness and laughter as you bring me. I love you. <3
Raising The Gremlin has been an absolute pleasure. Yes, there have been more than enough times where I wanted to pull my hair out and lock myself in the bathroom. But all in all it's been wonderful. Watching him learn and grow, seeing him test out walking, and speaking those first words. Getting to experience all his first and the moments he tried something new. Hearing the great things he has had to say. It's been nothing short of wonderful.
He's growing into such a smart and funny boy. He has this one of a kind sassy attitude. He's so incredibly loving and giving. He's everything I could have ever have hoped for and so much more. He is going to be a great individual and I am so proud to call him my son.
Happy fourth birthday, Gremlin! May your upcoming year bring you as much happiness and laughter as you bring me. I love you. <3
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