Moved On.

Nothing to say.

Nothing to feel. 

Nothing to believe in.

You have left nothing.

Nothing to dream. 

Nothing to remember.

Nothing to cherish.

You have done nothing.

No love.

No hope.

No desire.

No memories.

No laughter.

No smiles.

You were nothing.

Except a waste of time.

Except spent energy.

Except hurt.

Except tears.

Except trouble.

Except anger.

Except abuse.

You will not be missed.

You are gone.

You are forgotten.

You are unnecessary.

You are dismissed.

We do not need you.

We will be fine.

We will be loved.

We will be happy.

We will be complete.

We have found it all.

We have trust.

We have family.

We have home.

We have it all.

And you...

You are the one who has missed out.

You never were.

It almost feels good. That it seems to be over. There will be anger. Always. How do you walk away from a child? Who has never done you wrong. Who didn't ask to be brought into this world. Who gave you nothing, nothing but unconditional love. But it's better this way. It was an endless cycle with nothing getting accomplished. No purpose, no reason. And we're moving on. So in the end, it feels more good than anything. I'll keep telling myself that I tried. I gave my all. It's not my fault. It'll get easier with each passing day. And we have the people we need. We'll be a family (hopefully sooner rather than later....just saying....) and have a home. Just need to be more positive about it. Less anger. I tried.

Long Time No See

I haven't blogged in....forever. I just haven't had the ambition, haven't had the words, haven't had the drive. I don't know where it all went. Don't know how it just up and disappears. But it did. Kind of made me sad. Writing was kind of my "thing". It's what I did. It's what I was known for. And it left me. I feel like that happens to me a lot. Be it my ability to write, draw, people, friends, places. They leave.

So anyway, here I am. Blogging. I don't know what I'm intending to say. Don't know where I'm going with anything. Don't know if it's going to be serious, funny, thoughtful, or just a bunch of word vomit. But I'm blogging.

I feel like I have way too much on my mind lately. I've gotten to that point in my life again where I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything. I'm just hanging out, drifting through life, no intent or purpose. Just being. And I don't like that. I know I have the Gremlin. He's my main purpose. But as a person, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not making anything of myself. And I am totally not okay with that. I want to get through college. I want a job I can get into. I want to be working towards my own home. There's so much I want that I feel like I kind of forgot I wanted.

And I'm really over people.  I'm over trying to make things work with people that at the end of the day aren't all that worth it. I'm pretty done with giving second, third, fourth chances and being understanding. Pretty sick of always being the bigger person about everything. I've always watched what I said, watched what I did, didn't want to offend anyone. But I was putting my own feelings on the back burner and I can't do that anymore. It's not getting me anywhere, not accomplishing anything. I need to start looking out for myself so I don't have to leave day in and day out feeling as if I don't matter to so many people. I just want to have trustworthy friends again. No more lies, no more drama. I'm over it.

I finally feel complete. I am in love. I am so happy with The Boyfriend. I can see my future with him. And I feel that it's definitely time for me to move on from certain situations and people and focus on that future. I want a family, I want a home, and I want to surround myself with people who have some of the same values that I feel I have. I want to instill only the best in my life so that when obstacles come up, times get hard, I'll know I'll have the support system I need and the ability to handle it a little better than I think I could now. It hurt that when my father was going through such a rough time I didn't have that person to call to vent to. I don't think I can forget that. I've always felt a certain amount of alone in life, but I think that's what has made me see and know what is important to me, what I will put up with, and what I most definitely won't. I've come really far in the last four years and I don't want this period of uncertainty and doubt be a downfall. I don't want it to keep me from continuing to progress.

Gremlin Gem Update: So I don't have persay a Gremlin Gem that's typical, but I figured I'd throw some stuff about him out there. He has continued to amaze me in how smart and creative he is. But man, I wish I knew where he got some of the things he says! He's going through a phase right now where he's obsessed with "science kits". Meaning test tubs, goggles, beakers, etc. The other day he told my mother that after he finished his lab he needed to write up his "hyfofesis" and that everyones "hyfofesises" are different. Really? REALLY?!

Words. Just Words.

People always say "Someday".  Your life is a mess? Nothing is going right? You're hurting? Shit sucks? Just remember "someday". "Someday" it will get better. "Someday" you will get your turn. "Someday" things will start looking up. Just keep waiting on "Someday". For such a small word, it holds an awful lot of meaning.

It's been the word that has ruled my life for I don't even know how many years. No matter how bad things got, I always held on to "someday". I believed in it. I know that the concept of "Someday" was the only thing that got me through a lot of the time. I wanted to give in. More often than once. I just wanted it to be over. No more pain. No more hurt. No more loss. I couldn't deal with yet another person walking away. I didn't want to keep living each day feeling like I wasn't worth it. I knew, I still know, that I'm broken. I'm a broken person. I probably always will be. No one can fix it. No one can take back the past. Hell, I wouldn't even take it back. Looking back on it now, yeah it's crazy to know what I've lived through, but it's what made me who I am. Tough people are made because no one was there to wipe away their tears. But I didn't think I was strong enough a lot of the time to make it through the next day, the next hurt, the next disaster.

But I would think of "Someday". I would think about finding that love I'd been searching so long for. I thought about getting married. Sharing that day with someone. I thought of a house that actually felt like home, where I could feel safe, and complete. I thought about having kids. I thought about it all. All the goals I wanted to reach. To find that "Someday" to finally put my soul at ease.

The only thing I've learned about "Someday" that I didn't understand before is that when you finally think that maybe, just maybe, you could have found it.....feeling like you're about to lose it is just about the worst feeling in the world.

I don't want to lose my "Someday". And I don't want to live out my "Someday" with someone else.

Don't Judge Me!

Yeah, yeah, I have a blog and I neglect it just like everyone else! And I guarantee it will happen more than once after this. So don't judge!

Things have been insanely hectic. My dad has been in a rehab center getting physical and occupational therapy for the past almost three weeks. Yes, he is closer to home, which is nice. However, this also means I spend an abundant amount of time there so nothing here is getting done. Nothing. At all.

I've also been completing training at my new job. Boy, has that been fun! It's like high school all over again, I swear. I just keep telling myself "You're here to work. You're here for the job. You need to make money. Do NOT strangle anyone!". That last part is a joke....or is it?...

So I haven't gotten to do anything. Everything is piling up. Laundry, cleaning, blogging. There is no time in the day for anything. And to top it off, The Gremlin has apparently decided to make up for the fact that he was never a terrible two or three by being a god awful four. Fun times are being had by all.

Speaking of The Gremlin, here are some recent gems:

It seems that my son has developed all kinds of new quirks while I've been diligently learning my new job. For example, when something doesn't go his way, or if someone drops something, or if something on tv happens he now goes "waaah waaah waaaaaaah". That's right, that noise you hear on tv that sounds like drawn out trumpet noises....please tell me you know what I'm talking about? It's borderline hysterical. I have no idea where he heard it or picked it up from, but it amuses me to no end.

This past weekend we went to my cousin's house and carved pumpkins. Two we carved with faces and one we carved out to stick my cousin's four month old son in. I kid you not (haha, I didn't even make that joke on purpose!). Little G was in his "baby's first Halloween" costume and we were taking full advantage of the moment, damn it! So we carved out this ridiculous pumpkin and set everything up in front of my cousin's dark brown couch. The Gremlin was not thrilled with this idea. In fact he said "You know, grammy did a really good job watching that baby the other day." as if insinuating that maybe she would be the best person to entrust Little G with. Then he flapped his arms around saying "No, no, don't do it. It's not a good idea.". Oh little man, I think that freaking way too adorable pictures prove otherwise!

P.s. If anyone finds my cute, goes to bed on time without a fuss, doesn't throw hissy fits ever son, could you please return him? I miss him terribly....Haha, just kidding...sort of. :o)

Time to Take Stock in Umbrellas!

Note to self: Never, and I mean NEVER, use the term "When it rains, it pours" again! Sheesh, who knew that would snowball into a virtual hurricane of issues. And not just minor issues, I'm not talking "I misplaced my phone charger and I'm leaving for a three day weekend" kind of issue. We're talking big issues, life changing issues. Involving a boss, a parent, and a grandparent.

We'll start with the parent. As I mentioned, my dad had a problem with his foot. He's diabetic, so a problem with a foot is a major issue. It started as a crack in his heel that wouldn't heal no matter what was put on it or was prescribed to him. It then turned into a big problem when it became infected and got worse and worse until my dad couldn't even walk. He had a cat scan, he had doctor visits, and somewhere along the line the ball was dropped, he was not seen soon enough, and to make a long involved story short- they had to amputate. Yesterday actually. They put the surgery off twice (the surgeon was ill) and finally went through with it. It was hard to accept, hard to deal with, and man it sucks preparing yourself for something like that two days in a row to have the surgery postponed over a weekend to a Monday! It went well, my dad is resting (hopefully) comfortably and the road to recovery is going to be a long one. But he's alive and he's in fairly good spirits considering. Plus now he gets to crack all kinds of jokes like "Now I'm half a foot shorter!" and make his nurses feel all kinds of uncomfortable. I'm concerned about what's going on in his head and how he's handling this, but my dad is old school. Blue collar, no non-sense, do not talk about your feelings kind of old school. So it's hard to tell. He's coping, but unfortunately there's no way to tell just how well or not well he's coping.

On to the grandparent- This past Sunday, the day before my dad's surgery, my 87 year old grandfather was having a problem with heartburn that persisted over Saturday into Sunday and he had a fever. So my mother shuttled him off to the nearest Emergency room. He shuffled in on his own slippered feet only for us to find out after an EKG that he had a heart attack. He was then shuttled off by ambulance to a different hospital...you guessed it, the same one my father has been residing at for the past two weeks, just a different floor. Grampy is doing well, being put on different medications, and complaining wholeheartedly about the hospital food. He goes from warm fuzzy little old Grampy to grumpy miserable bear Grampy. And my grandmother, as sweet as she is, is one hundred percent convinced that it has nothing to do with his diet (this from the woman who would make a bologna and cheese sandwich and put butter on it) but is directly resulting from my grandfather's daily intake of maybe, MAYBE, 6 oz. of diet coke each day. Oh, Grammy!

And last but certainly not least, my boss, bless his 80 year old heart, had a stroke two weekends ago. As you may (or probably more likely may not) recall, I had an interview two and a half weeks ago. Well, I GOT THE JOB! So that following Monday as I promised myself, I put on my "big girl panties" (let me clarify, this means I was a Big Girl, not that I put on a large size pair of underwear from added roominess and comfort on such an important day!) and marched into work to deliver my two weeks notice. Unfortunately, shortly after that we found out my boss had a stroke while away for the weekend. Total buzz kill. He's doing well, he's actually in his office right now (here I go, blogging at work again! This is the slowest point of the season...I think customers are afraid to come in because we are immediately up in their faces begging for some human interaction and a sale...) doing a preseason order with a rep. All is not one hundred percent, but my boss is a tough cookie and I have no doubt that he will be back to as close as one hundred percent as he can get in no time!

So that, dear readers (Are you there??? Hello? Hellllloooo???), is why I have been MIA for the last however many days, weeks, it's been. If it's not one thing it's another and I swear to you that has been the way my life has gone for a long, loooong time. Sometimes, or rather more often than not, it borders on ridiculous. Like I find myself looking up and thinking silently "Really? REALLY?" and I am not a religious person in the least bit. A little bit of a break in the craziness would be fantastic instead of wave upon wave of things coming up. It gets to a point where I feel like I can't have a normal life. I won't be able to have the husband, kids, house, white picket fence, and dog I've always wanted because my insane life will forever be throwing a wrench in the works. I hope this isn't true. I really hope this is just some silly fear I harbor, but I don't know. It seems more and more likely that I'm always going to be dealing with something and not working towards the  goals I have in mind (and heart). But we'll see. I'm hoping that getting this new job is a shining beacon of sanity and accomplishment that will lead the way towards bigger and better things. Maybe I won't be single forever, maybe I won't have to resort to becoming a cat lady, maybe a night life of bingo won't be my fate! Maybe.

Gremlin Gem- Here's a good one. I was driving to....somewhere that I can't remember now this weekend and I went down a side street. I was driving my dad's Escape (which I have fallen in love with over the last two weeks and he may never get back) and right in front of me was one of those silly little cars, you know the little hatchbacks with room enough for the driver and a box tic tacs, and the tic tacs might be pushing it. Now, the girl driving it was trying to perform some sort of tom-foolery car manuever from the right side (my side) of the road to the left (I guess she was attempting to  reverse directions. Clearly she's not from this area where there's eight hundred side streets that lead you back to where you came from, where you were going, and potentially even to where you didn't know you wanted to be!). I don't know who gave this girl her license but they should be fired post haste! She performed an 89 1/2 point turn for about five minutes in the middle of the road. Come on! Your car is barely bigger than The Gremlin's matchbox cars! It's not that difficult! This is a normal size road! Hell, it's bordering on slightly larger than average sized road! So there we were stuck watching this ridiculous show of poor driving ability with cars lining up behind us and cars lining up on the opposite side of us. I muttered under my breath "Friggin' idiot" not realizing I had a four year old with super hearing in the back. The Gremlin immediately shrieked "Mumma! Do NOT say bad words. That's not how you treat your friends!". Friends? I don't know this girl nor would I ever want to associate with her, her inability to make a simple three point turn in the aforementioned three points directly shows her problem with decision making and well brains in general. I apologized, "I'm sorry buddy, thank you for reminding me." to which my son full of far too much attitude for his four years replied far too smugly "It was my pleasure.". Really?! Really.

Oh Em Gee!

(First, let me say, I am a total slacker with this blogging thing. But it's ENTIRELY not my fault! Remember when I said a couple blogs back "when it rains it ours"...It's been a monsoon for the last couple weeks! I'll explain THAT on another day, another blog.)

Yeah, I said it. Oh Em Gee!!! I have an interview today. Eeek! I'm keeping it on the DL for now because I don't know which way it's going to go and I'd rather not jinx it. But I am excited. Excited and yet torn. Let's just throw this out there- I have a total love hate relationship with my job. It's the first job I've had (aside from one nanny job with two kids that I adored) that I haven't woken up 9 out of 10 mornings and thought "Damn. I do NOT want to go to work.". I don't know if it's because it's my first "real job" so to speak or if it's because I have the Gremlin now and there's a certain sense of "provider instinct". Perhaps it's the fact that I've been here for almost two years and I've finally gotten into a routine. Whatever the reasoning, as crazy as this place makes me (yes, I'm blogging at work. I'm an excellent multi-tasker.) I'm a little reluctant to leave. The hours are fabulous, I still get to spend a lot of time with my gremlin. They are very understanding about when I have to leave for appointments. And they've finally started to understand my sense of humor! It's a miracle. I'm starting to get a long with my coworkers really well (it was three girls, there was bound to be issues) just in time for the pool season to end.

But here's the thing- this place, this job, these stores aren't going anywhere. There's no chance for promotion, no growth in the company, and there's no benefits. No paid holidays. No sick time. No personal days. And in almost two years here I've earned....one week of vacation. I know, I know. At least I get a vacation. But you don't understand! This is my job title "Office Manager/Property Manager/Court Representative/Sales Clerk/Personal Assistant for Such and Such Pool Company, So and So Ski Shop, and His and His Rentals". That's a lot of freakin' hats that I have to wear! And at the end of the day it's simply too much. The pay isn't there. And the stress is off the charts. There's no support up front so I spend my entire day running around like a mad woman and when I get home I'm totally exhausted and I'm still thinking about what I failed to get done today that I'll now have to do tomorrow. It's waaaaaaaaaay too much. Plus there's some other issues but we won't discuss those publicly on the internets to avoid any....issues later on.

So at the end of the day, I have an interview. I hope it goes well. And if it goes well I hope I can put my big girl panties on, march myself in her on Monday and say "It's been fun, I appreciate the experience, but here's my two weeks notice.". We'll see how it goes. I'll definitely miss a handful of people here and what's really sad is that I've spent nearly two years here and one of my boss' won't remember my name a week after I've left. Sad, but totally true.

And now, for a Gremlin Gem! So my dad has an issue with his foot (WHOLE other story!) and Gremlin and I have made the half hour trip to his apartment to care for his foot, make him dinner, and clean up around his apartment (do his laundry, his grocery shopping, his cleaning....hey, he's my dad, I owe him.) and then the half hour trip home every day for the last two weeks. The Gremlin has developed this interest because of it in being a doctor. Now every time I go to wash my dad's foot, Gremlin and "Dr. Cat" (my orange cat Dinah that lives with my dad) HAVE to be present and he "consults" with Dr. Cat. He'll drag poor Dinah out from where ever she's gone to hide (under the bed, behind the couch, in the armchair...whatever works) and stand there tilting his head from side and side going "Soap, check. Tape, check. Looks good, Dr. Cat! How's it going Mumma?". This is when he can tear himself away from my father's computer where he has learned how to navigate the Disney Jr website and find the videos for Cars and Handy Manny. Priorities, people, priorities!

Like a River

"I'm Moving On"
  by Rascal Flatts
"I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on"

Thank you Rascal Flatts for having the words I needed to hear! I've always ALWAYS loved that song. It's probably my favorite one of theirs. But last night it took on a whole new meaning. And I cried, boy did I cry! (Bet you understand the "Like a River" headline now, I'm witty, I know.) It was what I needed to hear at that time to know in my heart what my mind was refusing to accept. I'm Finnish, we're stubborn like that. The line "life has been patiently waiting for me..." caught me in particular. I've been so caught up in trying to make present situations work that I've forgotten how to look forward to the future, how to appreciate each day that I am given, and how to let go of the past. It's not going to be easy, in fact it's going to be an absolute bear to get through, but I can do this. I can stand up for myself and I can say enough (using my big girl voice and everything!). And this is exactly why I love music. It says what you need to hear when you don't even know you needed to hear anything at all. So yay for one positive blog admist a sea of woes. It's tough revisiting old wounds. It's especially hard for me to write everything out all the emotions I felt and all the awful things I went through and then going back and reading what I wrote. I almost want to stop and go "Whoa, that was me?". I know I've lived it and I know I've dissected every part of it with my best friend when it was happening. But to see it all written out? It's a little overwhelming. I hope that being able to get it out and see it on "paper" will allow me to really move on. To heal when I haven't been able. To maybe find a piece of the old content me and drag it back to today. We'll see what happens, I s'pose.

And now *drumroll* what you have all been REALLY waiting for, some brand new just for you (that's bs but I thought I'd try to make you feel special, you're welcome. They were really for me.) Gremlin Gems!

So Gremlin and I have a nightly routine of brushing our teeth together. He has one of those fun little sand hourglass things you get from the dentist when you're under the age of probably 6. So we (me) get the toothbrushes ready and we countdown (3,2,1...GO!) flip the hourglass and start brushing. This is followed by rinsing (me with mouthwash, him with water but shhh don't tell him it's only water) and spitting (clearly his favorite part), and then I floss his teeth with his neon dinosaur shaped flossers. Two nights ago I finished brushing his teeth and Gremlin started smiling, no, full out GRINNING and almost laughing a little. I smiled at him because it was so contagious and asked what he was so happy about. He said "You flossed my teeth, sanks (the "th" sound is a work in progress) mumma, you're the best!" with so much enthusiasm it was ridiculous! I just wanted to hug the stuffing out of the kid! (Note to self: GIANT box of dinosaur flossers for the Gremlin for Christmas. Apparently that's the way to his heart. Who knew?)

The next morning the Gremlin promptly forgot how awesome I am. I was taking off his pjs and his head got stuck (by the way, when did my kid get such a freakishly big head?! Does this happen with age? Will it go back to normal? Do I have to buy him bigger shirts just to make sure his giant noggin doesn't get caught every time?!?!) and I had to do a bit of finagling to get his squash out with his ears still attached. Gremlin promptly grabbed either side of his head, rubbing his ears furiously, looked at me, and exclaimed "What is wrong with you?!". Listen kid, you didn't get the giant melon from me.

The Gremlin has this new "talent" he's been perfecting. He leans on the foot stool on one side and the couch on the other and swings. He thinks this is the greatest trick ever. But the footstool is on wheels (it's more like a cushioned trunk for lack of a better description) and starts to scoot away from him. Which causes him to collapse the whole six inches to the floor. He ALWAYS hams it up and lately his new "thing" is to say "The couch gave me the slip again!". Hysterical.

And last (but definitely not least), Gremlin will collide with something or pretend he crashed into something, then he'll flop face down no matter where he is, and say in his best wounded voice "Oh, I think I broke my spleeter." Don't ask me what a spleeter is. As far as I can tell it's located somewhere in his knee. Although he always grabs for his stomach or side before he falls down. Oh the dramatics, they start early in my family.