One by one...

Ever feel like  your life is just continuously falling apart at your feet? Yeah, me too. It constantly feels like I'm chasing one puzzle piece or another. I can't stand it. It's like all my pieces have opposite polar ends and they are literally propelling themselves away from each other. I've had enough. I am going to flip my shit, it's bound to happen. I have sucked it up and kept my mouth shut for so long. I just want to pack what little matters to me, tuck David under my arm like a football (shut up, I know it's not physically possible but this is my rant and rave, and by God, in my mind he's still tiny!), and get the hell out of here. Leave it all behind. Forget and move on. If only.

Gremlin Gem!

How could I have forgotten Gremlin Gems! They are the whole reason for anyone to ever read this blog!

So it's very clearly been brought to my attention that Gremlin is four going on fourteen. It gets worse and worse everyday. If it isn't the huff and puff accompanied by the eyes so far looking up they might as well roll back into his head, it's the "look". I have no idea where he got the "look", but it's driving me crazy! At least it's an equal opportunity "look" and not just reserved for me. Hey, if I have to suffer I'm making sure others go down with me!

So The Love Interest and I have a fun time teaching the Gremlin to say things that are hysterically to hear coming from a four year old. It started with having him throw his arms out and say "Come at me, bro!" and kind of snowballed from there. The other night in the car TLI (I'm lazy tonight) said to Gremlin "Say 'Like a boss'". Perfectly timed without missing a beat, Gremlin responded with "Really? Think of something cooler.".  This was the look on my face once I stopped laughing my ass off : ^-^ This was the look on TLI's face after Gremlin said it : -.- Clearly I got more enjoyment out of that one.

Today, Gremlin told my mother that he smelled "aromas".....what? Aromas? Really, kid? When she asked him what kind of aromas he responded simply with "Good aromas". Well then.

He's also developed this new habit of responding to any request to get a move on with "Whoa whoa whoa, what's the hurry?". Amongst using the word "ominous" and learning crazy things about Harry Potter. The kid is a sponge he not only soaks everything up but he can remember EVERYTHING. I'm so serious and oh so screwed!

"Love Song"

Yet another Pink song that I take no credit for in any way shape or form. I love love love this song. I have always loved this song. And it might just maybe perhaps put into words what I can't about a certain someone....maybe....

I've never written a love song
That didn't end in tears
Maybe you'll rewrite my love song
If you can replace my fears
I need your patience and guidance
And all your lovin' and more
When thunder rolls through my life
Will you be able to weather the storm?
There's so much I would give ya, baby
If I'd only let myself
There's this well of emotions
I feel I must protect
But what's the point of this armor
If it keeps the love away, too?
I'd rather bleed with cuts of love
Than live without any scars
Baby, can I trust this?
Or do all things end?
I need to hear that you'd die for me
Again and again and again
So tell me when you look in my eyes
Can you share all the pain and happy times
'Cause I will love you for the rest of my life
This is my very first love song
That didn't end in tears
I think you re-wrote my love song
For the rest of my years
I wil love you for the rest of my Life

"Unwind"

"Unwind"

[Verse 1]
I hide my pain like the rest of them
That's why I'm always laughing
I'm troubled, I'm brilliant and miserable too
That's why I am so funny
I swallow down all my fears
With a bottle made of silver
I've only been here for 27 years
But already my life is over

[Chorus 1]
And I need to unwind, yes, and I
I need to unwind, yes, and I
Want all the time
To be loved, to unwind

[Verse 2]
My life is like a fairytale
That nobody believes in
I can't remember anything
Not the people, not the places I've been
Just one more day you can make it, babe
That's what I tell myself
And everything that I love in life
It is killing me, 'cause it's bad for my health

[Chorus 2]
Somebody comfort me
S...southern comfort me
Somebody comfort me
S...southern comfort me

[Chorus 1(3x)]
[Chorus 2(out)]

I take absolutely no credit what so ever for the above song. It's a Pink song. And it's just one of those songs that is sooooooooooooo what I needed right now. It's EXACTLY how I feel right now. I wish I could unwind. I wish I could have a moment to simply breathe. But life just keeps creeping up on me and I can't seem to get a head. I always hated competition.

Rawr, rawr, rawr!

Grump, grump, grump! Yes, that should officially be my name. Hi, my name is Rawr rawr rawr Grump grump grump, get off my lawn! That's just the type of mood I have been in. But really mostly at night. You know when you have nothing important to do or anyone to distract you so you think. And in the words of Winnie the Pooh "Think, think, think.". It's horrendous.

And what pray tell do I think about? Everything and anything that causes me to be disappointed. Disappointed in myself. Disappointed in my life. Let's make that word my middle name because it just keeps cropping up everywhere.

No seriously, I really wonder why when you decide to take a step forward it almost always brings you three steps backwards at some point. What IS that?! I hate it. And it's become the story of my life for as long as well...I don't know, always it seems like. Do I not have enough momentum? Not enough cheer pep and determination? I know I'm short, but man, I shouldn't need to get a running jump to get my life going.

And let me just say while I'm on this mini rampage, who the hell needs friends? Surely not me. I'm a great loner. I've learned that about myself. But it does make me wonder, am I a crappy friend and that's why I seem to have no friends? Is it because I have such a hard time relating to people of or around my own age? Do I just have "Unapproachable" stamped on my forward? It seems to me that I am not worthy of friendship, but I am GREAT for everyone and their mother to unload their lives stories on. Why me? Am I really that broken? I'm talking beyond duct tape and super glue broken. Don't even bother with electrical tape or staple guns. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

Oi, Slacker Should Be...

My middle name. Seriously, man. I suck at this. Which is sad because I had such high hopes for this whole blogging shenanigans. I s'pose it's not all that sad. There is still time. There's always time. Except when you need it. Or want it. Then there's no time to be found. But I digress...What else is new? I would like to point out that not only did I use the term "digress" properly, I also spelled it correctly. YES! This is the sad life I live where that makes me happy and proud of myself. It's the little things, right?

Has anyone else ever noticed that as soon as you decide to start moving on the goals you want to achieve 800 bajillion obstacles spring up in your way? Is it just me that this happens to? It's obnoxious either way. My life was populated with enough obstacles to begin with, I don't need any extra. I promise I've gotten my fair share.

You know what else I've gotten enough of? Judgment. What is with people? And judging? Like really? Judge me for how I look. Judge me for being a single mom. Judge me for working full time while being a single mom. Judge me for not being through college yet WHILE being a single mom WHILE working full time. Judge, Judge, JUDGE JUDGE JUDGE! Enough already! It's ridiculous. What happened to "don't judge a book by it's cover" or "walk a mile in another person's shoes"? Granted, that last one is a little risky in the sanitation department, but still. It's getting out of control.

And I do realize that sometimes people pass judgment without really realizing they are doing it. Or they make you feel less than you are without meaning to. For example, Gremlin's great aunt on his father's side (complicated much?) saw him for the first time in two years or so yesterday. She was asking questions and commenting on him and happened to ask me about working which then sparked a question about school. I felt about as big as a ladybug after that conversation.

I would have given just about anything to have been able to be home with Gremlin while he was growing up. ANYTHING. I don't enjoy the moments when he calls me Grammy or my mother Mommy by accident. That hurts my heart in a place I didn't even know existed. When I miss ANYTHING he does or says I feel like scum.

And in the same sense, I would have given just about anything to be able to have completed college by now. To not have to keep myself up until all hours to finish an assignment I've had to restart three times because I'm so tired I can't remember the paragraph I JUST read.

And before someone jumps on the bandwagon, I realize my decisions have led me to where I am. That the way my life is right now is a direct result of my own behavior and actions. But don't you think that's enough punishment? I make myself guilty enough on a regular basis to last several lifetimes. I don't need complete or even not complete strangers tossing in their two cents. Just saying.

I want to move forward in life. Granted, I know I'm more forward (so to speak) than I was 6 months to a yr ago. I know I've changed, progressed in an overall positive manner (we all have our moments!). But I want to actually feel like this progression is heading towards an overall achievment. Something important, major, exciting. Something I can feel super great about. Like oh say graduating college. Or finding a home. Or let's say a job that's worth the time that I spend away from Gremlin.

That would rock my socks.

Now What?

I'm at a loss. What do  you do when you want nothing more than to please those around you, but not at the cost of your own happiness? What then? What if what makes you happy, is what's causing nothing but disappointment?

Family is extremely important to me. But they are who are bringing me down. And it's miserable. I want nothing but the best for them, nothing more than happiness, and love. Why do they not want the same for me?

I want nothing out of this life more than a family, love, and a home. That's what I have wanted for a long, long time. It seems each year it slips further out of my grasp.

I'm tired. Tired of being treated this way. Tired of trying so hard. Tired of being there for everyone else. Tired of making sure everyone else is ok and ignoring myself. Tired.

And I despise myself for feeling this way. Because I do have a LOT of great things going for me. A full time job, a roof over my head, a very healthy great son. I feel selfish for being so stressed over this.

Where, oh where, do you find the balance???