Done.

‎"...I feel them judging on me for their own pleasure If they really knew they’d know better...I know there’s got to be some peace in me But I can’t find it I get so sick of looking.." "...I can only do so much And of course it’s never enough I don’t think that you see Exactly what you’re doing to me..."

I can't do it anymore. I don't have it in me. When I die, there's going to be nothing left of me. Just some dust. I've been broken so many times, none of the pieces will EVER fit back together.

People always tell you it'll get better. BULLSHIT. It doesn't get better. As soon as you start feeling like it might or you are doing better there will ALWAYS be someone standing right there to knock you back down. And after years and years of trying to get back up....I give. I'm staying down. 

I always told myself that I was an okay person. I could be an addict, I could be an alcoholic, I could be a thief, I could be a liar, I could be a deadbeat parent. Hell, I could do something as simple as smoke cigarettes. But I don't. I tried to stick to the "straight and narrow", keep my "nose clean". What has that ever gotten me? People are STILL judging me, finding a reason to cut me down. What is the point?!

I think I'm broken. I know there are people out there who live awesome lives, who have a career they love, have a home, have family, have friends. So it must be me. I repel people. I just attract bad luck. I don't know what to do anymore. I truly don't want to be me anymore. Me isn't good enough. Me has never been and never will be enough.

But the anxiety and the depression and the hurt over all of this is too much. It's gotten to the point where I keep crying throughout the day. I can't fight it anymore. And it literally takes my breath away it hurts so bad. I can't do it anymore. And I don't know how to fix it. Even when the Gremlin's biological father walked away and before that with all the pain he put me through, it has NEVER hurt this bad. I'm only one person and I can't take it for much longer. 

I'm tired. Tired of being strong for everyone else. Tired of trying to always be so tough. Tired of pretending it doesn't matter. Tired of trying to be the best I can be. Tired of fighting everyday. Tired of defending myself. Tired of feeling guilty. Tired of looking out for everyone else's feelings.

And one last thing- No matter what anyone says it's a fucking bear of a struggle to be a single parent. It is not easy, emotionally, financially, in every single way it is not easy. It's more sacrifice than anyone could imagine. It's a struggle to understand why the other parent didn't want to be there, it's a struggle to be okay with working all the time, it's a struggle to not beat yourself up over all the little things you miss. It's a struggle to be okay with the situation and feel like you are doing okay for your child. IT IS A STRUGGLE. And anyone who wants to say otherwise can kiss my ass. I've lived it, I am still living it. If your parent watches your child more than you do, if you still go out several times a month, if you don't work a full time job, if you are just living off the system- YOU ARE NOT A TRUE SINGLE PARENT. 

Not that it matters. You'll be judged. Oh and guess what? You're not good enough anyways.

An Overall Blah...Blah blah blah!

So it's been an EXTREMELY long time since I've posted here. I apologize. Who I'm apologizing to, I'm not sure. Part of the appeal for this whole blog thing is that I can say what I want, the way I want to say it, and I'm assured the privacy of no one I really know reading it and realizing it's about them. Something you can't do on oh, say, Facebook. Where you post something and you get a bajillion instant comments, messages, texts asking if it's about this person or that person or what you're problem is. It's funny because I am one of the biggest advocates of "IT'S JUST FACEBOOK" and "It's THAT PERSON'S facebook, they can say what they want". And right now, man, Facebook is bumming me out BIG time.

This is my issue- I have a relative whose young son was diagnosed with an illness the day following his first birthday. I felt so incredibly bad for her and what she was going through/going to go through. He is doing better now although they will be fighting this for the next year and a half and all the side effects that come with it. Originally she was staying at a hospital about an hour away. Not a big deal, could DEFINITELY make that drive. Then she stated that children weren't allowed. That put a slight kink in the works. I have a VERY hard time finding someone to watch my son because of family issues. But I was trying. Then one day she posted pictures and a status on Facebook about how her niece had gone there to visit. I was a little taken back. I thought children weren't allowed and I was trying to respect that. She came home from the hospital and had tons of visitors, I didn't want to force my way in nor did I want to overwhelm her. Maybe I should have. I went to the fundraiser they held and saw her there. Contacted her a few times to try and plan a meet up or go up to visit her. She would just ignore that part of our conversation. Now, four months later, we barely talk, she still doesn't acknowledge my requests to see one another, and she has now blocked me on her newsfeed so I don't see what she posts.

What did I do wrong? Come to find out, this same relative apparently also made comments about how I live a life of drama. I'll be the first to admit, that yes in the past my life has held far too much drama for my liking, but I have cut out the most dramatic people and limit my time with the others who are only a part of my life for The Gremlin's sake. I THOUGHT I was doing so much better. I THOUGHT I was being far more responsible. I THOUGHT my life was finally starting to come together. Now I feel like yet again a bunch of the puzzle pieces have gone missing. I'm starting to feel like I'm becoming the scapegoat for some of my family members and that no matter how many steps I take to make my life better, they will never let go of the "old" me and my "old" life.

It's incredibly unfair for me because it puts me in a position of not only feeling bad about myself, I then start feeling like I can't speak up for myself, can't voice my opinion for fear of appearing "dramatic". So what, I'm suppose to just suck it up and deal with it? I've been doing that with my feelings my entire life. It only hurts me more in the end. So what do I do? Where do I go from here? How do I make this situation better so that I can feel better about myself? Am I forever going to be stuck feeling like no matter what I do or how hard I try I simply will not be good enough? That no one will ever see ME for ME?

Every where I turn it's something. In a perfect world, I wouldn't care. It wouldn't bother me. In a perfect world I could pack myself and The Gremlin up and move away from all of this. Start over. In a perfect world I would have accomplished so much more in life that I wouldn't feel so badly about myself. In a perfect world I would be a good person in other people's eyes. But with each passing day it seems there's another person I've disappointed, another person so ready to judge me, another person who feels I'm not good enough. Where do I go from here?

I know I am still a very fortunate person. I have my health, I have The Gremlin who is also healthy, I have found a great love, I have a job, a roof over my head....There are plenty of reasons to be happy about life and to continue working towards bettering it. But no one likes to live their life feeling as if they are never good enough, feeling so incredibly judged. No one. And I tend to think I try my best not to judge people. I certainly don't go on Facebook and think to myself "Wow, that person is just far too in love....That person is far too affectionate....That person is far too whiney/dramatic/jealous/happy/sad/mad/crazy...". It's just Facebook after all...