I haven't blogged in....forever. I just haven't had the ambition, haven't had the words, haven't had the drive. I don't know where it all went. Don't know how it just up and disappears. But it did. Kind of made me sad. Writing was kind of my "thing". It's what I did. It's what I was known for. And it left me. I feel like that happens to me a lot. Be it my ability to write, draw, people, friends, places. They leave.
So anyway, here I am. Blogging. I don't know what I'm intending to say. Don't know where I'm going with anything. Don't know if it's going to be serious, funny, thoughtful, or just a bunch of word vomit. But I'm blogging.
I feel like I have way too much on my mind lately. I've gotten to that point in my life again where I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything. I'm just hanging out, drifting through life, no intent or purpose. Just being. And I don't like that. I know I have the Gremlin. He's my main purpose. But as a person, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not making anything of myself. And I am totally not okay with that. I want to get through college. I want a job I can get into. I want to be working towards my own home. There's so much I want that I feel like I kind of forgot I wanted.
And I'm really over people. I'm over trying to make things work with people that at the end of the day aren't all that worth it. I'm pretty done with giving second, third, fourth chances and being understanding. Pretty sick of always being the bigger person about everything. I've always watched what I said, watched what I did, didn't want to offend anyone. But I was putting my own feelings on the back burner and I can't do that anymore. It's not getting me anywhere, not accomplishing anything. I need to start looking out for myself so I don't have to leave day in and day out feeling as if I don't matter to so many people. I just want to have trustworthy friends again. No more lies, no more drama. I'm over it.
I finally feel complete. I am in love. I am so happy with The Boyfriend. I can see my future with him. And I feel that it's definitely time for me to move on from certain situations and people and focus on that future. I want a family, I want a home, and I want to surround myself with people who have some of the same values that I feel I have. I want to instill only the best in my life so that when obstacles come up, times get hard, I'll know I'll have the support system I need and the ability to handle it a little better than I think I could now. It hurt that when my father was going through such a rough time I didn't have that person to call to vent to. I don't think I can forget that. I've always felt a certain amount of alone in life, but I think that's what has made me see and know what is important to me, what I will put up with, and what I most definitely won't. I've come really far in the last four years and I don't want this period of uncertainty and doubt be a downfall. I don't want it to keep me from continuing to progress.
Gremlin Gem Update: So I don't have persay a Gremlin Gem that's typical, but I figured I'd throw some stuff about him out there. He has continued to amaze me in how smart and creative he is. But man, I wish I knew where he got some of the things he says! He's going through a phase right now where he's obsessed with "science kits". Meaning test tubs, goggles, beakers, etc. The other day he told my mother that after he finished his lab he needed to write up his "hyfofesis" and that everyones "hyfofesises" are different. Really? REALLY?!
