I turned 25 and everything went to Hell. Okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating. But only slightly! Within the two months since I turned *gag* a quarter of a century *sob* I managed to get a severe eye infection (rendering it impossible to wear my contacts which is a shame because this is summer the season of many many sunglasses *sigh*) and swimmer's ear that in all actuality was a middle ear infection. I know, right? An ear infection? At 25? Pfft, who knew. Once I turned 10 you woulda thought I'd grow out of those. But alas, I have the worst issues with throat and ear related ailments. No really, my senior year of high school alone I had whooping cough (oh how joyous THAT is), double ear infections (told you), strep throat (spelling?), mono, and an allergic reaction to a medication (itchy from the inside out, a truly odd sensation). Dude, I totally know what you're thinking- Get this chick a plastic bubble STAT!!! It's crazy. However this ear thing really takes the cake. Initially I went into the doctor and said "Hey, you know, there's this throbbing in my ear. Call me crazy but I do have some personal experience with this type of pain and I do believe I have myself an ear infection". To which I was told I had swimmer's ear. I nearly laughed myself right off that stupid table (you know the one with the crinkly tissue paper that you can never be comfortable sitting on, but you don't want to move because no one can hear you over the freaking gift wrap under you!). Me? Swimmer's ear? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?! (See what I did there? Tricky.)
I am NOT a swimmer. I hate bathing suits. HATE THEM. And therefore have refrained from swimming since I was, oh, 12. Give or take. However the weekend before this stupid ear fiasco started I did put on a bathing suit *Gasp* and go into the pool at my sister's. All for The Gremlin to sit at the edge of the pool refusing to get in ("No, I'm fine. Go away.") BUT I did NOT swim, my head did NOT go under water. Not ONCE in the whole two hours. I have witnesses to prove it! Including my sister who, when she heard about my diagnosis, laughed and said "Clearly they meant you have "Causually Standing in a Pool for Two Hours Ear". Exactly.
So I went and picked up my prescription for ear drops. At Walgreens. Because it would be faster than driving to my hometown to my normal pharmacy so I would miss less of the work day. HA! Obviously I forgot who I am. The phone system at the Walgreen's pharmacy was down and what havoc that wrought! Finally got my ear drops, did what the directions told me to do for so many days, and YAY! The pain went a way. Only to come back two days later. -.- Really? I followed the directions! Back to the doctor I went where they looked at me like "Oh you poor thing, you're that one in a million girl that the meds don't work on". Gee, thanks, let me break out my tiny violin. ANOTHER prescription for ANOTHER ear drop AND an oral antibiotic later. AFTER they jammed long q-tips in my ear to take cultures. THIS BETTER WORK....
Two days later, voicemail from the doctor's- "We got your culture back. Turns out the amoxicillin we prescribed won't help. Stop taking it immediately. We are calling in a different prescription (which means you have a middle ear infection) for you. Have a good weekend!"....Really....I'm going to hope that, since I can't hear out of my left ear, you actually said "Gave a shrewd befriend" because you are clearly so high off the hand santizing fumes in the office that you couldn't possibly make sense and I didn't hear you wish me a pleasant weekend...-.-
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Obligatory First Blog Explanation
Just like the title says, I will now explain to you in one word why I have decided to create a blog- LAME. That's right, I am a very, very lame 25 year old. Shocking, I know, with my outstanding sense of humor, amazingly good looks, and talent with the typed word! All bullsh*t aside, I am pretty darn lame in my opinion. Don't believe me? Here's an account of my week day, not any one in particular because they all seem to blend into one big week mush. Enjoy! (Disclaimer: Keep in mind I'm a single mother. I have an adorable, yet evil genius minded, almost 4 yr old whom I lovingly refer to as "the gremlin".)
6:30 a.m.- Crack one eye open whilst slapping my hand around the bed trying to locate my cell phone. What?! It's 6:30....in the morning!? Eff this. I don't "do" this version of 6:30. Close eye.
6:33 a.m.- Wake up with a start because surely I just slept for an additional four hours and am ridiculously late for work and I am in so much....What. It's been three minutes? You have GOT to be kidding me!
7:15 a.m.- (I fast forwarded for you because I literally wake up every three to four minutes convinced I've overslept. And no I don't set an alarm. Why set an alarm when you naturally scare the beejesus out of yourself for fear of being late???) Check cell phone for the billionth time. Contemplate getting up because then I could take a normal length shower, check email, make breakfast/lunch for work, get dressed, and get coffee made in singular steps instead of one long hundred yard dash out the door. Nah, where's the challenge in that???
7:45 a.m.- Ah crap, here we go.
7:46 a.m.- Trip over one of the cats on the way out of the bedroom while trying to be quiet to not wake The Gremlin. See, I know the cats (there are four of them, only one being mine) have some bet going each morning. They KNOW I am trying to not wake up The Gremlin. The Gremlin wakes up and it's a COMPLETELY different kind of morning filled with "Momma momma momma momma look what I did...Momma momma I'm shirsty...momma momma you wanna make me scrambled eggs now....momma momma look look look what I did...momma momma can you put it on my channel?" and NOTHING gets accomplished. You know I have had one of those mornings when I am eating popcorn for lunch at work and my hair, well, it's not having a "good" day and I'm wearing sandals when it's 40 degrees out. Anyway, I know the cats are on to me and it's their personal mission each and every morning to see which one of them can get me to trip and swear and crash into something that will awake The Gremlin. I'd love to know what the winning cat actually gets. Probably the prime yakking spot or the sunniest windowsill.
7:55 a.m.- Yes! Beat my personal best, showered in four minutes and made my breakfast, lunch, and coffee. Time management my....bum.
8:00 a.m.- Tiptoe past The Gremlin. Time to find something to wear, the appropriate footwear, get makeup and hair situation under control.
8:10 a.m.- The Gremlin is up. Usher him down the stairs ("Throw blankie down the stairs first so you don't trip *insert two minutes of The Gremlin kicking blankie down the stairs because of course his throw made blankie fall two steps down* Let Momma throw the blankie next time *quietly thinks to self "Right into the trash stupid blanket"* Can I please pick blankie up? No don't step on it, you're going to fall. No, I said no, because I said so....." and so on). Get him a cup of juice while brushing my teeth and trying to get him to use the potty while tripping over another cat.
8:30 a.m.- Watch the clock cursing every second that ticks closer to when I have to leave as The Gremlin bops around next to me telling me all about his dream where the house turned into a pumpkin. What the H did we read for a book last night? Surely it didn't involve pumpkins.
8:45 a.m.- Oh hey, look there's Grammy, go tell her all about your pumpkin house and if you're really good I bet she'll make you scrambled eggs...oh yeah and behave today! And I love you. Out the door I go.
9 a.m. to 4 p.m.- Any number of things happen during these hours at work. More than likely my eighty yr old boss is asking me to look up something ridiculous on the internet or he's misplaced his keys/glasses/cell phone, speaking of cell phone, how do you turn the sound on/enter a contact/ and what the h*ll is that little yellow envelope? Answer the phone, while printing emails, writing a purchase order, and ringing out a customer. It's never a dull moment there.
4:20 p.m.- Home again, home again. There's The Gremlin waving at me like a mad man.
I've officially lost interest in separating everything out by time so here's a general idea of what the rest of the night looks like. I chase The Gremlin around while he tries to tell me about his day but he's so darn excited he mixes up his sentences and it comes out "Grammy and I went to the post office and the big truck drove to the jail with clowns and I went in Time Out, but only once because I threw scrambled eggs for lunch and I wasn't hungry". Well then. I try to force feed my kid some dinner while he negotiates with me for something completely unhealthy instead ("But you can give me a candy, if you want to..." *puppy dog eyes*). Ha, nice try kid, I'm a seasoned professional with the puppy dog eyes, I am immune to your cuteness! He watches one of "his" shows followed by that time of night that signals it's time for bed- he goes absolutely batsh*t crazy. Running around in circles, speaking in tongues, off the wall. Then there's the whine and shuffle up the stairs trailing blankie behind. Read some books annnnnnd The Gremlin is out. Ding ding ding! Two hours of Momma time and that's it.
So there you have. Lame. So here I am starting a blog. Because even single moms have thoughts you know! And nine out of ten times those thoughts can not be shared with their child. Especially when said child is going through that parrot phase of repeating EVERYTHING. And I mean everything.....
6:30 a.m.- Crack one eye open whilst slapping my hand around the bed trying to locate my cell phone. What?! It's 6:30....in the morning!? Eff this. I don't "do" this version of 6:30. Close eye.
6:33 a.m.- Wake up with a start because surely I just slept for an additional four hours and am ridiculously late for work and I am in so much....What. It's been three minutes? You have GOT to be kidding me!
7:15 a.m.- (I fast forwarded for you because I literally wake up every three to four minutes convinced I've overslept. And no I don't set an alarm. Why set an alarm when you naturally scare the beejesus out of yourself for fear of being late???) Check cell phone for the billionth time. Contemplate getting up because then I could take a normal length shower, check email, make breakfast/lunch for work, get dressed, and get coffee made in singular steps instead of one long hundred yard dash out the door. Nah, where's the challenge in that???
7:45 a.m.- Ah crap, here we go.
7:46 a.m.- Trip over one of the cats on the way out of the bedroom while trying to be quiet to not wake The Gremlin. See, I know the cats (there are four of them, only one being mine) have some bet going each morning. They KNOW I am trying to not wake up The Gremlin. The Gremlin wakes up and it's a COMPLETELY different kind of morning filled with "Momma momma momma momma look what I did...Momma momma I'm shirsty...momma momma you wanna make me scrambled eggs now....momma momma look look look what I did...momma momma can you put it on my channel?" and NOTHING gets accomplished. You know I have had one of those mornings when I am eating popcorn for lunch at work and my hair, well, it's not having a "good" day and I'm wearing sandals when it's 40 degrees out. Anyway, I know the cats are on to me and it's their personal mission each and every morning to see which one of them can get me to trip and swear and crash into something that will awake The Gremlin. I'd love to know what the winning cat actually gets. Probably the prime yakking spot or the sunniest windowsill.
7:55 a.m.- Yes! Beat my personal best, showered in four minutes and made my breakfast, lunch, and coffee. Time management my....bum.
8:00 a.m.- Tiptoe past The Gremlin. Time to find something to wear, the appropriate footwear, get makeup and hair situation under control.
8:10 a.m.- The Gremlin is up. Usher him down the stairs ("Throw blankie down the stairs first so you don't trip *insert two minutes of The Gremlin kicking blankie down the stairs because of course his throw made blankie fall two steps down* Let Momma throw the blankie next time *quietly thinks to self "Right into the trash stupid blanket"* Can I please pick blankie up? No don't step on it, you're going to fall. No, I said no, because I said so....." and so on). Get him a cup of juice while brushing my teeth and trying to get him to use the potty while tripping over another cat.
8:30 a.m.- Watch the clock cursing every second that ticks closer to when I have to leave as The Gremlin bops around next to me telling me all about his dream where the house turned into a pumpkin. What the H did we read for a book last night? Surely it didn't involve pumpkins.
8:45 a.m.- Oh hey, look there's Grammy, go tell her all about your pumpkin house and if you're really good I bet she'll make you scrambled eggs...oh yeah and behave today! And I love you. Out the door I go.
9 a.m. to 4 p.m.- Any number of things happen during these hours at work. More than likely my eighty yr old boss is asking me to look up something ridiculous on the internet or he's misplaced his keys/glasses/cell phone, speaking of cell phone, how do you turn the sound on/enter a contact/ and what the h*ll is that little yellow envelope? Answer the phone, while printing emails, writing a purchase order, and ringing out a customer. It's never a dull moment there.
4:20 p.m.- Home again, home again. There's The Gremlin waving at me like a mad man.
I've officially lost interest in separating everything out by time so here's a general idea of what the rest of the night looks like. I chase The Gremlin around while he tries to tell me about his day but he's so darn excited he mixes up his sentences and it comes out "Grammy and I went to the post office and the big truck drove to the jail with clowns and I went in Time Out, but only once because I threw scrambled eggs for lunch and I wasn't hungry". Well then. I try to force feed my kid some dinner while he negotiates with me for something completely unhealthy instead ("But you can give me a candy, if you want to..." *puppy dog eyes*). Ha, nice try kid, I'm a seasoned professional with the puppy dog eyes, I am immune to your cuteness! He watches one of "his" shows followed by that time of night that signals it's time for bed- he goes absolutely batsh*t crazy. Running around in circles, speaking in tongues, off the wall. Then there's the whine and shuffle up the stairs trailing blankie behind. Read some books annnnnnd The Gremlin is out. Ding ding ding! Two hours of Momma time and that's it.
So there you have. Lame. So here I am starting a blog. Because even single moms have thoughts you know! And nine out of ten times those thoughts can not be shared with their child. Especially when said child is going through that parrot phase of repeating EVERYTHING. And I mean everything.....
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