I don't know, I don't know, I. DON'T. KNOW.!!!

I'm frustrated.


With a lot of things.


And I can't fix any of them.


So how do you let go of the frustration?

Also, why is it so hard for someone to help another person, but do it the way the person wants to be helped?  It would just be so much easier for Person A to go along with how Person B wants to be helped. But no, Person A has to do it the way Person A wants to do. Which is only going to cause Person B to no longer want the help even though they need it and then there will be tension between Person A and Person B and I, Person C, will have to hear alllllll about it allllll the time! Oi.

Also, also, why does Person A have to make things more difficult with Person D and Person E? Person A knows that Person D and Person E are impossible, don't know what they are doing, and make a mess of certain situations. So, Person A gets mad and steps back when all they really need to do is make a phone call that Person D was attempting to make for them which would make the call shorter, would get what was suppose to be accomplished accomplished, and no one would be mad at anyone else! Voila.

You know, this all boils down to one thing, one solution....I NEED A VACATION.

P.S....

Silly me,

Baby-to-Be is......

A BOY!!!

I'm almost completely convinced in my family we can't have anything other than boys. At least it's definitely starting to feel that way....

Oh well, a boy it is and he is healthy and perfect and I am healthy so hooray! :o)

People Disgust Me

You know why? Because they are self centered. They are self absorbed. They are weak. They are pathetic. They disappoint. They manipulate. They lie.

Okay, so maybe not EVERY single person. Maybe just this one person who was suppose to be the closest person to me in the last six years or so. And what does this person do? Throws me under the bus for like the fifth time in two years. While telling me how much "our friendship" means and how much she misses the Gremlin.

Nope, sorry, try again. You don't deserve a friendship with me and especially not with my son. And you sure as hell will not have any kind of relationship with the Baby-to-Be. You are done. You were given chance after chance and proved you are not worth the fight. You are nothing to me now.

As angry and disappointed as I am with this person, they just made it so much easier for me. I don't have to debate anymore whether they are worth the time and the repair to the "friendship". I don't have to listen to them lament and provide a sympathetic ear. My job there is done. And I didn't even have to make the decision. They did it for me.

So, thank you. Your true colors are surely dismal.

I Remembered!

Wow, it only took me like a few days to a week for me to remember how to log in...yeah, blonde.

So I really wanted to write some sort of in depth post, however, I'm tired. Like bone tired...whatever that means. It will have to wait.

I will throw out a piece of news- I'm pregnant! Baby #2 will be here late July to early August. We are VERY excited and rooting for a girl. But as long as the baby is healthy that's all we can really ask for! :o)

*Le Sigh*

So here I am....failing at blogging....again. Meh. Maybe I don't blog much because I feel like I'm saying the same things over and over and over and over and, you get the picture. My life is a sad, sad, cycle of blah. Woes me.

Now that the pity party is out of the way, hi, how are you? How ya doing? Entertain me. This is why I need to get out there and make friends. Or at least come up with an imaginary one. I have too much time on my hands!

So what is there to update about me? Nada really. The Gremlin lost his first tooth. That was exciting! He's only five. Now as the tooth-losee I don't recall what age I was, but five seems young too me. But Gremlin's "big boy" tooth was nawt waiting it's turn. It wanted outta the gums and it wanted that right now! Gremlin was very stubborn about the tooth. He didn't want anyone else taking it out. He was going to do it. And he did, after almost three hours of complaining and dramatics. He popped that sucker right out! He was then very anxious about the Tooth Fairy coming to the house. He was wrought with worry that I was going to forget to put it under his pillow (in a sandwich bag) and then he was concerned with how the fairy was going to get in (the window was closed the doors all locked). Then after five minutes of his head laying quietly on his pillow....he sat straight up in bed and yelled, "Mumma, I do NOT think the Tooth Fairy is coming.". Gremlin, it has been FIVE MINUTES and you are STILL AWAKE! Sheesh. But come the Tooth Fairy did, complete with a note, and a dollar bill cleverly folded up as a paper football, tied with a curl ribbon. And boy did he/she leave behind a load of glitter!

So that brings me to the Gremlin Gem for this post- My mother was reading the note from the Tooth Fairy to the Gremlin and she got to the closing at the end which read "Sincerely, The Tooth Fairy". Without missing a beat Gremlin laughed and said "That's an awkward name for the Tooth Fairy!". Lol! This kid kills me! :o)

Done.

‎"...I feel them judging on me for their own pleasure If they really knew they’d know better...I know there’s got to be some peace in me But I can’t find it I get so sick of looking.." "...I can only do so much And of course it’s never enough I don’t think that you see Exactly what you’re doing to me..."

I can't do it anymore. I don't have it in me. When I die, there's going to be nothing left of me. Just some dust. I've been broken so many times, none of the pieces will EVER fit back together.

People always tell you it'll get better. BULLSHIT. It doesn't get better. As soon as you start feeling like it might or you are doing better there will ALWAYS be someone standing right there to knock you back down. And after years and years of trying to get back up....I give. I'm staying down. 

I always told myself that I was an okay person. I could be an addict, I could be an alcoholic, I could be a thief, I could be a liar, I could be a deadbeat parent. Hell, I could do something as simple as smoke cigarettes. But I don't. I tried to stick to the "straight and narrow", keep my "nose clean". What has that ever gotten me? People are STILL judging me, finding a reason to cut me down. What is the point?!

I think I'm broken. I know there are people out there who live awesome lives, who have a career they love, have a home, have family, have friends. So it must be me. I repel people. I just attract bad luck. I don't know what to do anymore. I truly don't want to be me anymore. Me isn't good enough. Me has never been and never will be enough.

But the anxiety and the depression and the hurt over all of this is too much. It's gotten to the point where I keep crying throughout the day. I can't fight it anymore. And it literally takes my breath away it hurts so bad. I can't do it anymore. And I don't know how to fix it. Even when the Gremlin's biological father walked away and before that with all the pain he put me through, it has NEVER hurt this bad. I'm only one person and I can't take it for much longer. 

I'm tired. Tired of being strong for everyone else. Tired of trying to always be so tough. Tired of pretending it doesn't matter. Tired of trying to be the best I can be. Tired of fighting everyday. Tired of defending myself. Tired of feeling guilty. Tired of looking out for everyone else's feelings.

And one last thing- No matter what anyone says it's a fucking bear of a struggle to be a single parent. It is not easy, emotionally, financially, in every single way it is not easy. It's more sacrifice than anyone could imagine. It's a struggle to understand why the other parent didn't want to be there, it's a struggle to be okay with working all the time, it's a struggle to not beat yourself up over all the little things you miss. It's a struggle to be okay with the situation and feel like you are doing okay for your child. IT IS A STRUGGLE. And anyone who wants to say otherwise can kiss my ass. I've lived it, I am still living it. If your parent watches your child more than you do, if you still go out several times a month, if you don't work a full time job, if you are just living off the system- YOU ARE NOT A TRUE SINGLE PARENT. 

Not that it matters. You'll be judged. Oh and guess what? You're not good enough anyways.

An Overall Blah...Blah blah blah!

So it's been an EXTREMELY long time since I've posted here. I apologize. Who I'm apologizing to, I'm not sure. Part of the appeal for this whole blog thing is that I can say what I want, the way I want to say it, and I'm assured the privacy of no one I really know reading it and realizing it's about them. Something you can't do on oh, say, Facebook. Where you post something and you get a bajillion instant comments, messages, texts asking if it's about this person or that person or what you're problem is. It's funny because I am one of the biggest advocates of "IT'S JUST FACEBOOK" and "It's THAT PERSON'S facebook, they can say what they want". And right now, man, Facebook is bumming me out BIG time.

This is my issue- I have a relative whose young son was diagnosed with an illness the day following his first birthday. I felt so incredibly bad for her and what she was going through/going to go through. He is doing better now although they will be fighting this for the next year and a half and all the side effects that come with it. Originally she was staying at a hospital about an hour away. Not a big deal, could DEFINITELY make that drive. Then she stated that children weren't allowed. That put a slight kink in the works. I have a VERY hard time finding someone to watch my son because of family issues. But I was trying. Then one day she posted pictures and a status on Facebook about how her niece had gone there to visit. I was a little taken back. I thought children weren't allowed and I was trying to respect that. She came home from the hospital and had tons of visitors, I didn't want to force my way in nor did I want to overwhelm her. Maybe I should have. I went to the fundraiser they held and saw her there. Contacted her a few times to try and plan a meet up or go up to visit her. She would just ignore that part of our conversation. Now, four months later, we barely talk, she still doesn't acknowledge my requests to see one another, and she has now blocked me on her newsfeed so I don't see what she posts.

What did I do wrong? Come to find out, this same relative apparently also made comments about how I live a life of drama. I'll be the first to admit, that yes in the past my life has held far too much drama for my liking, but I have cut out the most dramatic people and limit my time with the others who are only a part of my life for The Gremlin's sake. I THOUGHT I was doing so much better. I THOUGHT I was being far more responsible. I THOUGHT my life was finally starting to come together. Now I feel like yet again a bunch of the puzzle pieces have gone missing. I'm starting to feel like I'm becoming the scapegoat for some of my family members and that no matter how many steps I take to make my life better, they will never let go of the "old" me and my "old" life.

It's incredibly unfair for me because it puts me in a position of not only feeling bad about myself, I then start feeling like I can't speak up for myself, can't voice my opinion for fear of appearing "dramatic". So what, I'm suppose to just suck it up and deal with it? I've been doing that with my feelings my entire life. It only hurts me more in the end. So what do I do? Where do I go from here? How do I make this situation better so that I can feel better about myself? Am I forever going to be stuck feeling like no matter what I do or how hard I try I simply will not be good enough? That no one will ever see ME for ME?

Every where I turn it's something. In a perfect world, I wouldn't care. It wouldn't bother me. In a perfect world I could pack myself and The Gremlin up and move away from all of this. Start over. In a perfect world I would have accomplished so much more in life that I wouldn't feel so badly about myself. In a perfect world I would be a good person in other people's eyes. But with each passing day it seems there's another person I've disappointed, another person so ready to judge me, another person who feels I'm not good enough. Where do I go from here?

I know I am still a very fortunate person. I have my health, I have The Gremlin who is also healthy, I have found a great love, I have a job, a roof over my head....There are plenty of reasons to be happy about life and to continue working towards bettering it. But no one likes to live their life feeling as if they are never good enough, feeling so incredibly judged. No one. And I tend to think I try my best not to judge people. I certainly don't go on Facebook and think to myself "Wow, that person is just far too in love....That person is far too affectionate....That person is far too whiney/dramatic/jealous/happy/sad/mad/crazy...". It's just Facebook after all...