People always say "Someday". Your life is a mess? Nothing is going right? You're hurting? Shit sucks? Just remember "someday". "Someday" it will get better. "Someday" you will get your turn. "Someday" things will start looking up. Just keep waiting on "Someday". For such a small word, it holds an awful lot of meaning.
It's been the word that has ruled my life for I don't even know how many years. No matter how bad things got, I always held on to "someday". I believed in it. I know that the concept of "Someday" was the only thing that got me through a lot of the time. I wanted to give in. More often than once. I just wanted it to be over. No more pain. No more hurt. No more loss. I couldn't deal with yet another person walking away. I didn't want to keep living each day feeling like I wasn't worth it. I knew, I still know, that I'm broken. I'm a broken person. I probably always will be. No one can fix it. No one can take back the past. Hell, I wouldn't even take it back. Looking back on it now, yeah it's crazy to know what I've lived through, but it's what made me who I am. Tough people are made because no one was there to wipe away their tears. But I didn't think I was strong enough a lot of the time to make it through the next day, the next hurt, the next disaster.
But I would think of "Someday". I would think about finding that love I'd been searching so long for. I thought about getting married. Sharing that day with someone. I thought of a house that actually felt like home, where I could feel safe, and complete. I thought about having kids. I thought about it all. All the goals I wanted to reach. To find that "Someday" to finally put my soul at ease.
The only thing I've learned about "Someday" that I didn't understand before is that when you finally think that maybe, just maybe, you could have found it.....feeling like you're about to lose it is just about the worst feeling in the world.
I don't want to lose my "Someday". And I don't want to live out my "Someday" with someone else.
